If Today Was Your Last Day
by AbbyMasrai
Summary: A/U "I'm afraid it's bad news...it's incurable."  For Logan Mitchell, time was running out.  So he decides he and his friends will have the summer of a lifetime, no matter what.  Based on the Nickelback song "If Today was Your Last Day."
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush or the Nickelback song "If Today Was Your Last Day."

Prologue

_Each day's a gift and not a given right- _Nickelback

"I'm sorry Mr. Mitchell, but I'm afraid it's bad news."

The air was knocked out of me as soon as my doctor uttered those words. I felt my heart stop momentarily, only to start beating again slowly, its thumps in perfect sync with the blood that pounded in my ears. I felt my mind numb as I tried to listen to the doctor's prognosis. He explained the illness in great detail, but I inevitably knew what three words would follow.

"It is incurable."

Who knew three little words could carry such power, such magnitude? I sat there, staring at him in hopes he'd crack a smile and shout, "Just kidding! Everything looks great, Mr. Mitchell."

Instead, I saw sadness in his eyes as he said, "You can sit here for a few minutes, if you'd like. I'll be sure to let the nurses know so they won't disturb you. Take all the time you need to process it." He gave me a melancholy smile before he departed.

How could this happen to me? I just finished my freshmen year of college, top of my class. I was nineteen years old for God's sake! Nineteen freaking years old. And yet, here I was, sitting in this doctor's office "processing" my mortality. Once he told me what I had, I knew I was a goner. I wrote my final report about it this past semester in one of my pre med classes. I knew everything there was to know about it. It's a long, painful illness whose existence I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. While I was writing my report, I often wondered how I would break the bad news to my patients. But I guess I don't have to worry about that anymore, do I? At the rate I'm going, I won't make it to my twentieth birthday.

I felt my stomach knot. How am I going to tell everybody? I had to tell my best friends; they're the closest thing to family I have. They've been there with me through the darkest times. Like when my mother died when I was nine. Or the day my dad went crazy and shot himself when I was fourteen.

My dad. He's been locked up in St. Mary'sPsychiatric Ward for the past five years. To everyone's dismay, I've gone and visited him once a week ever since they put him in there. Half the time, he doesn't even know who I am. I usually just sit there while he screams my mother's name over and over again. The times he's cognizant, he watches me, apologizing profusely for what he's done.

I learned a long time ago to stop the tears that would flow after hearing those words. I learned a long time ago to force away the nightmares that would come, his voice echoing inside my head, saying her name. I learned a long time ago to accept that this was my reality, and it would be for the rest of my life.

I stood up, and left the room that changed my life forever. Walking down the corridor, I ignored the nurses who clucked sympathetically when they saw me. The warm June breeze greeted me as I sauntered over to my car. Putting my keys in the ignition, I knew exactly what I had to do.

I went to see my father.

So there's the prologue. This story literally popped into my mind while I was watching the Nickelback music video. If you haven't heard the song, I HIGHLY recommend you listen to it. The lyrics are absolutely stunning.


	2. Chapter 1

I'm absolutely stunned at the response this story has received. You are all amazing, and I truly appreciate the time you take out of your lives to read this. So, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you.

Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush, the Nickelback song "If Today was Your Last Day", or Pokemon.

Chapter 1

_That first step you take is the longest stride_- Nickelback

I arrived at St. Mary's Psychiatric Ward with relative ease. It was a trek I unfortunately knew far too well. Hesitantly, I made my way inside, not knowing what to expect from my father.

"Oh, hello Logan! Good to see you again," the receptionist, Claire squealed. She's been the receptionist at the ward since I first came. I guess she still saw me as that little fourteen-year-old kid.

"Hi, Claire," I greeted.

She gave me a sad smile. It seemed to be everybody's reaction to seeing me today. "You know where to go."

I nodded in thanks, as I made my way to my father's room. It was a long walk; the doctor gave the ward special orders to keep him in the most secluded area of the ward. I settled into the rhythm of my pace, my body taking over as my mind wandered off…

/Flashback/

"Which video game do ya wanna play, Logie?" nine-year-old Kendall asked.

"Ooooh! Pokemon Stadium!" I exclaimed, forgetting the reason why I was even at the Knight's house.

Mommy was supposed to pick me up after school today. But she never showed up. I was the last kid at school, so the teacher called Kendall's mom, and she came to pick me up. Now here I am, playing with my best friend Kendall! I was so excited; I never got to see him after school. Unless it was during hockey practice. We turned on the game and selected our pokemon. Charizard was my favorite, so I picked him.

"My Charizard is gonna beat your Dragonite, Kendall!" I shrieked happily.

"Nuh-uh…my Dragonite's AWESOME!"

The doorbell rang, but me and Kendall were too busy to notice. I heard Mrs. Knight open the door. As my Charizard attacked Kendall's Dragonite, I noticed she had been gone for a long time. I turned to Kendall.

"Is your mom ok? She hasn't come back yet."

Kendall paused the game. "Let's go check on her."

We left our game, and went to the front door. We saw Mrs. Knight crying against the doorframe, and to my surprise I saw my dad standing outside, his eyes red.

"Daddy?" I asked. "Daddy, why is Mrs. Knight crying?"

Mrs. Knight spun around and faced us. She then knelt down to my height and gave me a huge hug, sobbing into my shoulder. I was confused. Why was she hugging me?

"Kendall, sweetie," her voice cracked, "We need to go into the kitchen. I have to talk to you."

Kendall shrugged, and followed her into the kitchen. I looked at my dad.

"Daddy," I scolded, "Mommy was supposed to pick me up today, not you. Where is she?"

My dad began to cry as he stooped down, his eyes level with mine. "Logan," he choked, "Mommy is dead."

/End Flashback/

A piercing scream shook me from my reverie. I then noticed a brawny guy, clad in white, with a huge needle in his hand. He jerked open the door of a patient's room and I heard the wailing intensify. Shrugging, I resumed my walk to my father's room. Once again, my mind wandered off.

/Flashback/

No matter how many years passed, today was still the worst day of my life, and everyone around me was aware of it. It was the fifth anniversary of my mother's passing. Thankfully, my friends knew the best way to comfort me was to not talk to me when her anniversary came around.

I made it through the school day relatively ok. Even though today had gone fine, I was still eager to get home and be away from everybody. To my surprise, my dad was already home when I arrived.

"Dad?" I called out when I entered the house. "Where are yo-"

I felt the heat in my face dissipate when my eyes rested on my father. It took a minute for my mind to process that he was pointing a gun at himself.

"Dad!" I panicked, "What's going on?" I stepped forward, but my father began to shout.

"Stay back! Stay back or I'll shoot!"

"You need help, Dad. Just drop the gun and we'll-"

"NO! This gun will stay where it is until you shut up and let me talk."

I was dumbfounded, but I closed my mouth.

My father began to rock back and forth on his heels. "It's my fault…it's all my fault."

I decided it was best to keep him talking while I tried to figure out how to contact help.

"Dad, you're scaring me. What's your fault?"

"Your mother…oh, my sweet Sally. She…died from overdosing on pain medication, Logan."

My mouth hung opened. I never knew the cause of my mom's death and every time I asked, my dad he would start yelling at me. So I gave up.

I stopped breathing. "But…why?"

My father shuddered. "Because…because she found out I was cheating on her! She thought I didn't love her, but that wasn't the case, Logan. I loved her dearly. But I'm a sick, sick man…"

He began to shake, and I could see what little sanity remained was quickly disappearing.

"Dad, no!"

As I moved forward, he turned the gun so the barrel was facing me.

BANG, BANG!

I screamed, my reflexes forcing me to the ground.

After the firing ceased, I looked up. I saw one bullet hole on the wall that was behind my head just moments ago.

"But where is…" I thought, as I stood up. My eyes widened. "DAAAAAD!"

My dad was on the floor, blood gushing out of his chest. He was alive, but just barely.

"Oh my God!" I ran to the phone, yanked it off its charger, and dialed 911.

/End Flashback/

I jerked back to reality when I realized my feet had stopped moving. Looking up in front of me, I recognized the door to my dad's room. I rubbed my hand over my face nervously, trying to wipe away the remnants of my memories. I slowly opened the door.

My dad was lying on his bed, watching TV. He turned when he heard the door creak, and smiled when he saw it was me. He turned of the TV and beckoned me.

"Logie, you're here!"

I sat down on the bed next to him, and turned my body so that I could face him. I inhaled shakily, knowing I had to tell him.

"Dad…I'm dying."

My father blinked, as if trying to register what I said. But, all traces of sanity evaporated when he started to laugh.

"Little boys can't die! They're little. Isn't that right, Sally? Sally? Sally. Sally?" My father started to sweat as he screeched, "WHERE ARE YOU SALLY!" He began to thrash in his bed, screaming out my mother's name.

I don't know what came over me. But before I could comprehend what I was doing, I was on top of my dad, pinning him on the bed. I then raised my hand.

SMACK!

Silence fell. Coming back to my senses, I got off my father as he sat up. He stared at me, his eyes wide and blank. I felt my heart swell painfully, the gravity of the situation finally taking its toll.

"Dad…" I began to cry as I burrowed myself into his chest.

I felt two arms wrap around me. I looked up to see my father crying, for the first time in ten years.

He stroked my hair and proclaimed joyfully, "Little boys can't die. They're full of so much energy and vibrancy. They have their whooooole lives in front of them."

His tears continued to flow freely from his vacant eyes, a stark contrast to the tone of his voice. I continued to cry as well, trying to take comfort in his embrace and empty words. It was in the midst of our sorrow, that I realized something. A sane part of my father was still in this empty vessel, and he loved me.

You all have permission to hate me. I completely understand. I'm currently working on Chapter 3, so I'm not sure when it will go up. Thanks again for your kind words.


	3. Chapter 2

A/N: You guys are seriously awesome. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would write a story like this, let alone get so much support for it. So thank you.

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Chapter 2

_What's worth the price is always worth the fight_-Nickelback

Kendall opened the door. "Logan! What the hell took you so long? For a minute there, we didn't think you were going to show."

I smiled. "Good to see you, too."

He grinned as he opened his arms wide. Enthusiastically, I returned the hug. Out of the four of us, Kendall and I were definitely the closest. He and his whole family were like a second family to me. Though, that sentiment is probably the result of the fact that Mrs. Knight became my legal guardian after my father shot himself. For four years, I got to spend holidays, vacations, weddings, funerals, with my best friend in the entire world. As far as I was concerned, Kendall was the brother I never had. Without the Knight family, I don't know what would have happened me. I owed them so much, yet I may never get the chance to repay them.

"James and Carlos are in the family room," Kendall explained, "The pizza arrived half an hour ago, and so far James and I have been able to keep Carlos from devouring it." His face then contorted into mock fear. "But we better hurry! Who knows how much longer he can last?"

I chuckled as we hurried up the stairs. Once we reached the family room, we were met with a rather funny sight. Carlos was fuming, as he desperately jumped in the air, trying to reach the pizza box that James was currently holding over his head. Considering the height difference, I figured Carlos had a better chance of becoming a professional basketball and Mrs. Knight were sitting on the couch laughing hysterically at their crazy antics.

"AHEM." I cleared my throat loudly, garnering everyone's attention. Four pairs of eyes shifted their gaze onto me.

"LOGAN!" they squealed in unison.

This was the first time we have all been together since Christmas break. I was humbled by the fact that even though it's been a whole year since we went to school together, we were still best friends. It felt as if nothing changed, and we could start off from where we left off six months ago. But the truth is a lot has changed in the past six months. Changes so great, yet not realized by anyone but myself. Time was running out, and I had to tell them.

"Yes! Now we can eat!" Carlos exclaimed as he glomped me. For Carlos, this was the equivalent of "I've missed you soooo much!" so I accepted his statement gladly. James then pushed Carlos away from me as he enveloped me in a hug. "Don't listen to Carlos. He was really excited for you to get here."

"Yeah well, you were too!" the olive skinned boy retorted, throwing James under the bus.

The two boys began to squabble, ignoring Mrs. Knight's empty threats of kicking them out of the house. Some things will never change.

"Boys, boys!" Kendall called. "Stop your bickering and let's eat!"

The mention of food immediately ended the quarrel, as the two boys simultaneously cried out, "Foooooooooooooooood!"

Kendall snickered at them as he grabbed the pizza box. Together, we all sat down and enjoyed our first meal of the summer together.

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After dinner, the four of us decided to venture out on top of Kendall's roof, like we always did when we spent the night at Kendall's house. As we laid there, staring up at the stars, I couldn't help but wonder: will this be my last stargaze with my dearest friends in the world? I shuddered at the thought, but knew in my heart of hearts it was a reality I must face.

I looked over to my three best friends and felt my soul burn with jealousy. I envied them. I envied their ignorance, their lack of knowing just how unfair life can be. I envied their bodies, unspoiled by disease and decay. I envied their futures, something that I used to believe I possessed. Something I used to believe was my destiny, my birthright. I envied their spirits, so young and carefree, not yet trampled by the crushing weight of reality.

Would they miss me? I mean, I know seeing me die will be painful for them, but five years, ten years after I've passed, will they remember me? Will the sum of my existence in their lives only matter on the anniversary of my death? Will I even matter on that day? I'm scared. I didn't want to become some date on the calendar to them.

Throughout dinner, I pondered about how I could tell them the news. But the more I reflected upon it, the more I realized there wasn't any way I could tell them without our friendship changing forever. And I didn't know if I was ready to take that step. I was torn. My friends needed to know the truth. But I just couldn't bring myself to tell them. Not yet, anyways.

A thought crossed my mind, and I knew I had to voice it.

"Hey guys?" I asked, looking up at the stars.

I heard them move as they sat up, looking at me expectantly. I continued staring up at the stars, tears threatening to spill.

"What?" I heard James respond.

"What's your biggest goal in life?"

Carlos snorted, "That's an easy one! I want to go skydiving in South Dakota!"

"Why South Dakota?" Kendall inquired.

"Dude! Mount Rushmore's there, duh! I mean, who DOESN'T want to go skydiving toward a mountain with four faces on it?"

James rolled his eyes. "Riiight," He then said, "I wanna be famous. I want to live out my passions, travel the world, and make a ridiculous amount of money. I want it all!

I involuntarily beamed; their enthusiasm was contagious. I glanced over at Kendall. "What about you Kendall?"

He was about to respond when I interrupted. "And don't say professional hockey player."

Professional hockey wasn't Kendall's dream anymore. It was reality in the making. He finished his freshmen year the star of the hockey team at the University of Minnesota and was even given the opportunity to drop of out school to be drafted in the NHL. But he declined, saying he wanted to graduate with his business degree before he went professional.

"Well, I've always wanted to see a glacier calf." Kendall stated thoughtfully. "I hear it's incredible."

Wow. Even after living with him for four years, there are still things I don't know about Kendall Knight.

"Hey, it's already 3:00 am," James yawned. "I'm gonna hit the hay…this face needs at least eight hours of sleep to remain so beautiful."

Carlos agreed. "Yeah, I'm reallllly tired,"

Kendall and I said good night, and the two other boys left the roof. Kendall and I sat there for some time, gazing at the stars. After some time, we both yawned. Laughing, we stood up and made our way back inside.

"Hey, Logan?" Kendall asked as we climbed through his bedroom window.

"Yeah?" I inquired, perplexed by his random question.

"What's your biggest goal in life?"

I felt bile climb up my throat, his words cutting through me like a knife. It was an innocent enough question, but it left me feeling sucker punched. With a future as limited as mine, I realized the goals I used to have didn't seem to matter as much. "I just want us all to be friends for the rest of our lives." I answered truthfully.

My best friend guffawed. "You know Logie, for a Pre-Med student, you aren't very ambitious."

I forced a snigger in response. "Yeah, well…all that time studying leaves little room for anything else." I lied.

In silence, we headed to the family room. Kendall and I got out our sleeping bags and laid them out next to the two sleeping boys. Kendall let out a great big yawn, and flopped onto his sleeping bag.

"G'night Logan,"

"Good night Kendall."

I really did try to go to sleep. But I just couldn't. Too many thoughts and fears plagued my mind. Finally, I gave up. Quietly, I slipped out of my sleeping bag and left the family room.

I went back on the roof. It was the only place I could think of that would help calm me down. The stars seemed even brighter this time around, almost as if they were taunting me. I wanted to scream. Scream out my frustrations, my sorrow, my fears. But ultimately, what would that accomplish? What I needed to do was think about how to tell everybody the news.

I saw a shooting star hurdle across the sky, casting a brilliant trail of light. Watching the glow diminish, I reached a decision. I intend to make this the best summer my best friends ever had. It was the least I could do for them. And I knew where I wanted to start.

I would make their dreams comes true.

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A/N: I seriously did try to think of a way for Logan to tell the guys the truth in this chapter. But the more I thought about it, the more I felt it wasn't the right time. I just couldn't see it happening yet. So, I'm sorry if I let you down. Sometimes it feels like this story has a mind of its own, and I can't control it. I also wanted to apologize if their goals seemed dumb. I personally love to travel and do stuff like see glaciers calving. So, I guess in a way, Carlos' and Kendall's dreams/goals are a reflection of things I want to do. Oh, and in case you didn't know, calving is when part of glacier fall off. I've seen it before and I thought it was amazing. So I thought I'd use it in this story.


	4. Chapter 3

**A/N: You all really know how to make a girl smile. I love all the feedback that I have received from you. Special thanks to XeroPrime for helping me figure out the formatting. I unfortunately couldn't get that word processor you were talking about. But I hope this chapter is more aesthetically pleasing.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush or the song "If Today Was Your Last Day"**

* * *

Chapter 3

_Every second counts, 'cause there's no second try_- Nickelback

"Dude, are you serious?" Carlos asked me eagerly.

It had been a week since I made my decision to give the guys the best summer of their lives. Throughout the week, I researched locations, hotels, scenic highways… everything that was vital to the success of this trip. Once I gathered all the information I needed, I called the guys and asked them to meet me at our favorite ice cream parlor so I could tell them my plan.

"Yeah, why not?" I replied nonchalantly. "I mean, it's not like any of us had anything interesting to do this summer anyways."

It was true. None of us were able to get a job, and I was the only one who even considered going to summer school. Of course, in light of recent news, I changed my mind.

"You're really proposing we go on a three week road trip?" Kendall inquired, his eyebrow quirked. "Surely you know how expensive that is."

"Don't worry. I researched and planned the whole thing. I thought of the trip, so I'll pay for everything."

It was no secret that I came from an affluent family. Before things took a turn for the worse, both of my parents were very successful. My mom was the CEO of some multimillion-dollar company, and my father was an attorney. I was a very privileged child and always got what I wanted. I had the perfect life, and up until my mother's death, I was the envy of all my friends. Even back then, I knew my life was sickeningly ironic.

It's also no secret that when my father was committed, I inherited everything. I never did tap into the inheritance, always saying that it was there for a "rainy day." Well, I figured it couldn't get any "rainier" than dying, so why not splurge on my friends?

Kendall eyed me warily. I sighed.

"Really, it's not as expensive as you think. Plus, wouldn't it be nice to get out of Minnesota for a while?" Kendall continued to stare at me, analyzing my every movement. I met his gaze with a determined one of my own. I _will _get my way.

"Well, I guess it could be fun," he finally relented.

"Wow, Logan. You've never been much of the adventurous type. Who would've thought one year away at college could change you?" James observed.

I wanted to laugh at his statement, at its sheer ridiculousness. If only that was the case.

Carlos began to bounce in his seat, the effects of the ice cream kicking in. "So, where are we gonna go?"

"Well," I began, "I figured we could first drive to South Dakota—"

Carlos squealed happily.

"Then I thought we might drive to Washington and catch a cruise ship to Alaska. Glacier Bay is known for its glaciers, you know."

I could tell Kendall wanted to object, but I pressed on. "I figured our final stop would be California."

This earned me a huge grin from James. "Oh, oh, oh! This is gonna be _so _cool. I mean, this could be the start of my career!"

Carlos cheered. "Road trip, baby! WHOOOOO!"

"Carlos, you really need to chill before you wind up in a sugar-induced coma." Kendall chastised, watching the hyperactive teen cautiously. Satisfied that Carlos had settled down, Kendall turned to me.

"When should we leave, then?"

"The sooner, the better I think." I responded, trying not to dwell on the double meaning I had inadvertently implied.

"How about the day after tomorrow?" James suggested. "That way we have time to prepare and pack."

I nodded. "Yeah, good plan."

Kendall clapped his hands together. "Okay, it's settled then. We'll meet at Logan's apartment the day after tomorrow at noon." Carlos jumped out of his seat, and began to dance excitedly.

"Ohboyohboyohboyohboyohboy," he yelled, his tongue moving a mile a minute.

"Carlos," James, Kendall, and I warned.

* * *

"Is everything ok, Logan?" Kendall inquired

Kendall's car was in the shop, so I offered to drive him home after our little meeting. We had just arrived at Kendall's house when he made his query.

I coughed nervously. "Yeah, sure. Why?"

He shrugged. "You've never been one to spend money. Or initiate adventures. I just wanted to make sure everything was ok."

"Yeah, everything's fine. I just figured that you only live once, right? Why not make the most out of it," I lied shamelessly.

Kendall shook his head. "True. Well, regardless, I'm really glad you thought of this. I think it'll be lots of fun."

"I hope so," I sincerely replied. Kendall smiled and began to get out of my car. As soon as he was out, he turned around and bent over so I could see his face through my car window.

"Thanks again for the ride, man,"

"No worries. I'll see you soon."

Kendall waved goodbye, then turned to go inside his house. I sped away from his neighborhood, guilt filling my heart. I've never lied to Kendall in the time that we've known each other. And now, I'm lying to him about the single most important thing ever. Could I truly justify that? Justify betraying my best friend?

I wasn't so sure, but I knew it was too late to question my actions. I made my choice, and I will have to face the repercussions once the truth comes out. I could only hope that Kendall and the gang would forgive me.

* * *

**A/N: I know, it's really short. It's a transition chapter, and I'm hoping that I won't write a lot of these kinds of chapters in the future. Anyways, thanks again for reading. I'm not sure when the next chapter will be up; I'm having some difficulties writing it. But I promise to have it out as quickly as I can.**


	5. Chapter 4

**A/N: You guys are just amazing. This story means a lot to me, and seeing such a positive response to it really makes me feel wonderful. So, thank you.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush or the Nickelback song "If Today was Your Last Day"**

* * *

Chapter 4

_So live like you're never living twice_- Nickelback

"Oooh!" Carlos squealed, "It's so big!"

We arrived in South Dakota this morning. The drive to South Dakota from Minnesota is not a long one; it only takes about nine hours if you go the speed limit. Less if you don't. However, it took the four of us about a day. The reason for this is simple. We were all idiots. Regardless of the mishaps we experienced, we made it in one piece. And currently, we were admiring Mount Rushmore.

I've seen pictures of Mount Rushmore in textbooks countless times. But none of those pictures could compare to the actual thing. It was _unbelievable. _

Carlos eagerly took pictures; it was evident that he was having the time of his life. Kendall and James looked impressed as well. Originally, they were skeptical about going to South Dakota. But now, I think it's safe to say that they were really enjoying themselves. I looked down at my watch, figuring out how much time had transpired since we arrived.

"Hey, if we want to make our appointment, we should go now."

"What appointment?" James asked.

I beamed at Carlos. "Our skydiving appointment." I laughed as a huge goofy grin appeared across the shorter boy's face. We walked back to my car, and I listened attentively as Kendall read off the directions that I had written down earlier. We made it to the skydiving center with a few minutes to spare. Just like I planned it.

"Ah, you must be our 5 o'clock," an older gentlemen stated once he saw us.

I nodded. "Yes, sir."

He looked at all of us. "So, who all is going up today?"

"Definitely _not _me," I responded, petrified at the prospect. To my astonishment, Kendall and James declined as well.

"Aww…why?" Carlos whined.

"I'm not feeling too hot," James explained, "I think it was something I ate."

James' statement didn't surprise me very much. The boys decided that they weren't in the mood to have Italian for lunch, even though I insisted it was the most sanitary restaurant in the area. No, they _had _to have tacos, so we wound up buying our lunch off of some taco vendor on the side of the freeway. To be honest, I was shocked we all didn't crummy.

"Yeah and…uh…I should make sure he's ok," Kendall added lamely. Apparently I wasn't the only one who was afraid of heights.

Seeing how devastated Carlos was, I sighed. I couldn't let him do this by himself; he obviously thought this was going to be a group outing. And I had to agree with him. I thought this would be something at least the three of them would do together. I already felt myself regretting my decision as I stepped forward.

"I change my mind. I'll go, too."

This earned me another huge smile and hug from Carlos. "Oh, thank you Logan!" he exclaimed.

"You sure, Logan?" Kendall questioned. "I mean…you're _terrified_ of heights."

"I'm sure. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity, after all. Plus, it evens the group out. You'll be here to take care of James, and I'll be up there taking care of Carlos. Lord knows there needs to be at least one chaperone for each of them at all times."

"Hey!" James and Carlos cried simultaneously.

Kendall laughed. "Okay. You guys have fun."

"Oh, we will!" Carlos reassured him, patting my shoulder encouragingly.

* * *

"You guys ready?" one of the skydivers asked, screaming over the roaring sound of the plane.

I gulped. "As ready as I'll ever be!" I shouted back. My heart began to race as the other skydiver helped me put on the harness. Once I was prepared, he connected himself to me via the harness. I did feel a little relieved that I would have an instructor telling me what to do. But only a little. I glanced over at Carlos to see if he was in his gear, too. To my surprise, however, he was sitting on the floor, rocking. His instructor looked at me and shrugged, not sure why his pupil refused to get in the harness.

I asked my instructor to unlatch us and I approached Carlos. I knelt down in front of him and put my hands on his shoulders.

"You okay, man?" I questioned, unnerved by his sudden change in demeanor.

Carlos looked up at me, his eyes wide. "Logan…I don't think I can do this."

I felt myself go into doctor mode as I began to assess him. "What's wrong? Are you feeling sick? Is that taco—''

He shook his head furiously. "No, I feel fine. I thought I could do this, but…I-I'm scared."

I definitely didn't anticipate that. I knew Carlos had mellowed out somewhat since he started college, but never did I think he'd actually consider backing out of doing something adventurous. Looking into his eyes, I could definitely see the fear. But I also saw something else, something that made me want to make absolute sure he didn't want to jump out of the plane.

"Carlos, you have to jump."

"Logan, I really don't think I can. Look, I know you spent a lot of money on this, and I promise I'll pay you ba—''

I interrupted him. "The money is not important. Carlos, this is your _dream_, isn't it?"

"Yeah…but—''

"It's ok to be scared. I'm scared, too. But if we let fear take over our lives, we will never be able to experience life. Do you remember back in high school when you decided to skateboard off the roof of your house?"

Carlos smiled. "I broke my arm in three different places and cracked two ribs. How could I _not _remember that?" I chuckled, remembering how whiny Carlos can be when he's incapacitated.

"Injuries aside, do you remember what you said before you passed out?"

"Umm…?"

I filled him in. "The biggest smile I have ever seen appeared on your face as you proclaimed, 'THAT WAS AWESOME!' You can't fake that kind of joy, Carlos."

Carlos remained silent, watching me intently.

I sighed. "I can't force you to do anything. I don't _want _to force you to do anything. But I do advise you to remember that day back in high school, the emotions you felt, the thrill you experienced. What stands out more in your memory: the ecstasy or the pain? And more importantly, will you let your past experiences hinder or help you?"

My friend looked away from me, his expression thoughtful. After some time, he was about to say something when his instructor cut in.

"If we're going to jump today, we need to get ready now before we miss the drop zone. What's it going to be boys?"

"Carlos?" I prompted gently.

Carlos looked at me, and I realized what I saw earlier in his eyes had intensified. I caught a gleam in his eye, and he smiled widely at me. "Let's go." Old Carlos was back, and it felt damn good to see him again.

* * *

For the first time since I found out I was dying, I felt free. Nothing mattered during those few moments I was free falling. My father, my sickness, my friends…I was liberated from it all. During those few precious moments, I wasn't Logan Mitchell. I wasn't even human anymore. I was one with the sky. And it was the best feeling I had ever experienced in my life.

I looked over at Carlos, who looked absolutely elated. As we were free falling, our instructors pushed toward each other linking arms. A third skydiver, who was holding a camera, maneuvered his way over to us. He held up his camera and pointed it toward Carlos and me. We reached out for one another, which wasn't too hard considering how close our skydiving instructors had us. With my arm around Carlos' shoulder and his arm around mine, we faced the camera. My lips turned up into a big smile. The camera light flashed, and I knew this moment was preserved forever. After the picture was taken, our instructors pushed away from each other, and once there was enough space between us, my instructor told me to deploy the parachute. Doing as he instructed, I pulled and felt us jerk backwards, the parachute breaking our momentum.

It was when we started to float that I noticed the sun was setting. The descending sun painted the South Dakotan sky in a myriad of yellows, oranges, and pinks. In the distance, I could see Mount Rushmore, standing tall and proud, its light coloring complementing the colorful sunset behind it. I felt like I was in a dream. A beautiful, breathtaking dream.

Of course, all dreams must come to an end. And mine did as soon my feet touched the ground. The weight of reality came crashing over me once more, and I was once again human. A human with emotions and fears.A human with an expiration date.

"Dude, that was _awesome_!" Carlos whooped once we were freed from our harnesses.

I smiled at him. "It was, wasn't it?" Carlos nodded enthusiastically, and we made our way back to where we left Kendall and James.

"Hey, Logan?" Carlos asked, breaking the quiet that had crept over us. We stopped walking, and I turned to face him.

"Yeah?"

"Umm…thanks. If I had let my fear get the better of me, I really would've missed out on an _amazing _experience."

"Hey, what are friends for?"

The rest of our trek was drowned in companionable silence. Judging by the goofy grin that was on Carlos' face, I surmised he was thinking about what we just did. I clapped my hand over his shoulder, letting him know how proud I was of him.

* * *

As soon as we got to the hotel, Carlos went straight to his room and fell asleep. Not that I could blame him, it had been a chaotic day. Kendall, James, and I spent some time talking about random stuff, mostly about , they too went to bed, leaving me to my own devices. Once again, I was plagued with insomnia. I looked outside our hotel window, watching the bustling street below. I glanced down at the picture I had been holding since we left the skydiving center. It was the picture Carlos and I took, ten thousand feetabove the ground. Carlos insisted that we buy a picture for each of us, to commemorate our accomplishment. I caved in, and much to Carlos' chagrin, I paid for the copies.

Aesthetically, it was actually an awful picture of us. The delight in our faces was obvious just by looking at the big ridiculous grins we were wearing. The speed at which we were traveling resulted in our skin being pulled back slightly, making our cheeks look really puffy. Our eyes were also incredibly scrunched, creating giving the picture an even sillier feel to it. But I loved this picture. I loved it because it represented a snapshot of a time where one of my best friends and I lived an amazing experience together. We were so happy, so _carefree_. It was like everything was normal again.

But it was all a lie. A sham. And no matter how much I tried to pretend, I will _never _get better. I am _dying_. I _will _leave my friends. Reality, no matter how often you tell yourself it is inevitable, still sucks. It still leaves me heartbroken, bitter…jaded.

I sighed as I turned my attention to night sky.I could feel my eyes burning from the tears that so desperately wanted to spill. I knew there was no point in fighting it, because just like death, their escape was imminent. As the tears fell silently, I found myself wishing.

Wishing to be back in the sky.

* * *

**A/N: I know next to nothing about skydiving, so if anything I wrote is inaccurate or misleading, I'm very sorry.**

**I'm currently working on Chapter 6, but it's hard to say how long it'll take me to finish it. I'll try to get it up as soon as possible. Thanks again for reading. **


	6. Chapter 5

**A/N: I'm very sorry about the delay. Life's been pretty chaotic, so I haven't had time to write much. Thank you so much for reading this story, and I hope you continue to enjoy it.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush or the song "If Today was Your Last Day"**

* * *

Chapter 5

_Don't take the free ride in your own life_-Nickelback

Insomnia is a cruel, cruel thing. Sleep was the ultimate escape from my problems, yet my problems barred me from falling asleep. It was a vicious cycle that no matter what I did, I seemed incapable of escaping it. I would lie in my bed, tossing and turning, trying to remind myself how to fall asleep. But it never worked. No rest for the wicked, as they say. Sooner or later, I'd always give up and spend my time staring off into space, letting my mind drift where it desired. Usually, that was enough for me to either pass the time or to eventually fall asleep

But there were some nights, like tonight, where this wasn't the case. There never was anything that triggered it, anything that could explain why my normal routines didn't cut it. It just happened. I'd become frustrated, to the point where I had more energy than I before going to bed. So, on nights like tonight, I did the only thing I could do.

I grabbed my iPod and went out into the darkness.

* * *

I loved running. It wasn't something I was particularly good at, but it was a release. It was an illusion, a temporary getaway from reality. No matter how awful of a day I would have, running alleviated some of the stress.

I had always felt a particular fondness for the darkness. It was always so peaceful, so tranquil…a complete contrast to the hustle and bustle that was present during the daytime. Almost…_other worldly_.

A song came up on my iPod, one I felt was ironic, yet appropriate: "Move Along" by the All-American Rejects. When I was healthy, it was one of the most inspiring songs for me. Whenever life felt hopeless, I would think of this song, and remember that as long as I kept going, I would always have the promises of tomorrow. However, with the promises of tomorrow being so few, I found this song almost hysterical. What did I have to live for?

I felt power swell within me, and I picked up the pace, getting myself even more lost in this strange, new town. Bozeman, Montana. We weren't here for any particular reason, other than the fact we needed a place to sleep and get gas. We didn't even bother exploring the city, knowing that there wasn't anything here of historic or **touristic/scenic** value.

The song ended, and with it my energy. I felt myself slow down to a jog, which eventually dissipated into a stroll.

I heard something that was akin to a scuffle. Fear gripped my heart in an icy vice as I sought out the source of the sound. I went down an alley, and discovered the sound getting progressively louder. After a few minutes of searching, I unfortunately had my answer.

A group of hooded people stood in a circle around two people. One of them, hooded as well, was kicking the other person, who currently was curled up in a ball on the concrete. The bystanders were cheering and chanting, as if it were some sort of spectacle, and not reality. Seeing the guy on the ground was struggling to get up, I found myself running over to the group.

"Stop!" I hollered, my voice surprisingly calm and in control. The crowd tore their attention from the "fight" and looked at me, bewilderment written on their faces. Normally, I would've been _really _uncomfortable being the object of their scrutiny, but at the moment I was more focused on the person on the ground, who was currently moaning in pain.

The attacker delivered one final kick to the individual on the ground before walking up to me. He towered over me and was about twice my size. I felt what calmness I had disappear. Pushing away the fear that began to overwhelm my senses, I stood up straighter.

"Yo, brotha…whatcha doin' up in here?" The male in front of me demanded, his voice low and threatening.

I forced my knees to not shake as I responded, "I was out for a run when I heard you guys. Wh-what's going on?" I jerked my head in the direction of the individual on the ground.

"Punk thought he could show up without all the money he owed me. And Little Andre don't like that, capiche?"

My gaze fell on the boy, who made no movement of getting up. He needed help, and _fast_. Not taking my eyes of off the victim, I addressed Little Andre.

"How much?"

"Two Benjamins, homes."

I took out my wallet, looking to see how much I had on me. Before we left for our road trip, I withdrew five hundred dollars in case of an emergency. After only four days on the road, my emergency fund had been depleted by nearly half the original amount. I estimated that I had about two hundred and seventy five dollars left. Well, if this didn't qualify as an emergency, I didn't know what would. I grabbed two hundred dollars out of my wallet and handed it to Little Andre.

He took the money from me and chuckled darkly.

"Yo! Looks like we got our cheddar after all. Let's bounce, y'all," Little Andre called out to the group. Without acknowledging the injured boy, the crowd departed. Little Andre then pushed something against my chest. I grabbed it, unsure of what he gave me.

"Brotha's gonna need his shit when he wakes up," he supplied, seeing that I wasn't understanding what was going on. I shook my head, hoping that I came across as comprehending what he said. It seemed to work because Little Andre brushed passed me and followed his posse into the darkness. Before he disappeared into the night, Little Andre called over his shoulder to me.

"You tell that punk if he tries that little stunt again, he won't be so lucky."

I stood there, completely dumbfounded. What the hell just happened? Remembering that Little Andre gave me something, I looked down at my hands. I was holding a plastic bag, and from what little light I received from the nearby streetlamp, I thought I saw some fine powder inside it. But before I could analyze the bag more, it was snatched out of my hand. To my shock, the culprit was the boy who I saw on the ground just moments before. My stomach clenched as I looked him over. He couldn't have been any older than sixteen. He was young, so very very young…

"Get your hands off my stash," he snarled, clutching the bag like it was his lifeline. I guess in a way it was.

My eyes widened. "You mean…that's cocaine?"

He crossed his arms, obviously not pleased with my statement. "Yeah…you got a problem with that?"

I felt all politeness leave me as I retorted. "Yeah, actually I do. Don't you realize how dangerous cocaine is?"

He shrugged, responding as if I just made a comment about the weather or the latest hockey game.

I was starting to get upset. I knew it wasn't my business to involve myself in this stranger's personal life, but I felt compelled to.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I challenged, "Do you not care about what will happen to you?"

"Yeah, well what about you?" he wheezed, clutching his side, "Only someone with a death wish would dare to wander around these streets at night."

I faltered, realizing the truth in his words. I knew I was dying, but I didn't want to die from my illness. Perhaps that's why I've been so willing to engage in reckless activities. I'd rather die as a result of my own choices than die from something I couldn't control.

"This isn't about me," I countered, "I just spent two hundred bucks to save your butt. Look at you…you're hunched over, you can barely even talk. And for what? Some drugs?"

"You don't know me," he muttered, "Why don't you just go back to your perfect little life?"

I laughed in his face. "My life is _far _from perfect. But I _choose_ not to take the easy way out."

"Why do you care, anyways?" the boy hissed, trying to hide the pain he was in, "It's not like we're friends."

"I care because I see someone who has the potential to live a full life, only to screw himself over by getting involved with the wrong crowd. Don't you realize how many people don't get the opportunity you do?" I felt my heart sank, "Don't you realize how many people don't get a say in whether or not they live? What about your family…your friends? Is your selfishness more important than them?"

My own words struck a chord within me. Because, even though they were directed at him, they applied to me, too. I have been given an opportunity as well, and in a way, I've been wasting it. I've unknowingly been selfish. The fear of my illness has led me to do risky things, disregarding the consequences. This whole time, I've wanted some control over my life and death, no matter the cost. And as much as I wished I had that kind of power, I knew I couldn't do that to my friends anymore.

In the darkness, I could see the boy shivering, even though the weather was mild. "Who do you think you are?"

"I'm Logan Mitchell, and I _believe_ in you."

I handed him some money, and pointed toward to a nearby payphone. "Go, call your family. Get help." Not waiting for him to respond, I turned around and began to walk away.

When there was a sufficient distance between the two of us, I glanced over my shoulder. I could see the teenager standing where I left him, staring at the bag of cocaine. Minutes ticked by, and the boy nodded to himself, chucking the bag as far away from him as he could. He limped to the payphone and dropped in the coins. Placing the phone to his ear, I could see he was still shaking. I then heard a series of sobs, slicing through the silence.

Selecting shuffle on my iPod again, I jogged back in the direction I came from. A series of familiar guitar chords entered my ear, and I found a smile growing across my face. Chad Kroeger's voice boomed into my earbuds, and the lyrics of "Savin' Me" made themselves known.

The closer I came to death, the more I began to believe in fate and destiny. There were no such things as coincidences and this evening just solidified my theory. I truly believe there was a reason why we met tonight. Perhaps I helped him see the dangers of his actions. Perhaps he'll grow up to be a successful man, and he'll remember today as the day he was saved.

I may not know that boy's name, his life's story, or what his future holds…but I do know he exposed a darkness in me that I did not know I possessed.

Revelation can appear in many forms. On this night, it came in the form of a drug-addicted teenager. Without this particular boy, on this particular night, I may never have made my self-discovery.

In a way…he saved me, too.

* * *

**A/N: I hope this wasn't too random. I just felt there needed to be a chapter like this. Anyways, I'm not sure when I'll be updating next…my aunt is coming into town for about a week, so I'll be doing family stuff. **

**Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it. **


	7. Chapter 6

**A/N: Hey, guys. Your support for this story is unbelievable. I know I thank you every chapter, but truly…it amazes me that you guys would even be willing to read this.**

**This chapter is different from my others, so it may be hard to follow. Everything that's in bold and italicized means Logan is writing. Everything that's in just italics is a flashback. And, of course, normal font is the present time. **

**I also wanted to say parts of this chapter were inspired by a film director by the name of Cameron Duncan. Some of you may know him as the boy who inspired the Lord of the Rings song, "Into the West." I highly recommend you guys check out his films on youtube, particularly the one called "DFK6498." It was this particular segment that inspired me, and will continue to inspire me while I write this story.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush or the Nickelback song, "If Today was Your Last Day"**

* * *

Chapter 6

_If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late  
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?_-Nickelback

_**Friday, July 1****st**** 2010**_

_**11:55 pm**_

_**This feels awkward…trying to write it down. I'm not even sure where to begin. I guess the best way to do this is to introduce myself. **_

_**Hi! M name is Logan Mitchell. I'm nineteen years old and I'm dying.**_

_**Well, that didn't make it any better. Perhaps I should explain why I've suddenly felt the need to write down my thoughts and feelings. **_

_**You see, I'm currently road tripping it with my best buds. We've been having a wonderful time and thus far, I've managed to keep my ailment a secret without too much difficulty. Well, I take that back. I've managed to keep it a secret until today…**_

I paused, rubbing my eyes. It was hard to believe that after two weeks of hiding and lying, I almost revealed the truth without even realizing it.

(*)

_We arrived in Rigby, Idaho right at lunchtime, and found this quaint little restaurant near our hotel. At first I was skeptical, but now I had to admit: Idahoan potatoes truly are the best potatoes around. Once lunch was over with, we decided to take a walking tour of the city. Rigby was a charming, diverse town and we visited many of the sites it had to offer. While we were looking inside one of the antique stores, I decided to throw some trivia at the boys._

_"Did you guys know that Rigby is considered the birthplace of television?" _

_It took me a few minutes to realize that I was the only one who was still moving. I turned around and saw my friends behind me, standing still and looking at me weirdly. Confused, I trotted back to them._

_"What's up guys? Why did you stop walking?"_

_Kendall hesitated, but responded. "You already told us about Rigby being the birthplace of television like twenty minutes ago," his eyebrows knitted together, " Don't you remember?" _

_Both James and Carlos eyed me expectantly, their features conveying worriment._

_"Of course I do!" I replied, acting like it wasn't a big deal, "I just wanted to make sure you guys remembered!" I then began to chuckle, like it was just one big, funny misunderstanding._

_Carlos laughed with me, seeming to accept my answer. James didn't seem to buy it at first, but eventually he just shrugged off and resumed his complaining about how the humidity was making his hair poofy. Kendall wasn't convinced at all, but seeing that he was clearly outnumbered, he dropped the matter. _

_After all, it was a simple misunderstanding._

(*)

Truth was…it was anything but.I seriously had no recollection of telling them that fact before. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised this happened…cognitive impairment often happens in my given situation. I was just hoping I'd have more time before it did, though. At the moment, I seem to be pretty normal. But who knows how long it'll last. The memory loss can come back at any time. I just pray that I don't have any more episodes until after I tell them.

_**I guess that's why I felt this need to write everything down. Though I may have periods where I remember stuff, from here on out my memory will progressively get worse. I need to have something that ties me to reality during the times I'm not myself. I need to be able to see for myself all the wonderful things I have been doing with my friends. I need to see that I'm not letting death beat me. **_

_**I made a promise to myself in Montana. I swore that I wouldn't let death be my master. I know I have no say in when death will take me…but I do have a say in my attitude throughout the process. **_

_**It's going to be so incredibly hard to tell my best friends. They're going to feel this need to protect me, to be the strong ones for my sake. But, the truth of the matter is that I need to be the strong one for their sake. I need to be the one to protect ****them. ****Because…once everything is said and done, my suffering will have ended. Theirs will have just begun. And if there's any way I can alleviate some of the pain while I'm still here, I will. **_

_**I know that these pretty words I write can only take me so far. I know there will be days where it'll be really hard to not succumb to my natural instincts. There will be days where I just want to throw the towel in and let the depression and anger take control. But I won't. I ****can't.**_

I closed the journal, my eyes tiredly drifting to the alarm clock on my bedside table. It read 12:30 am**. **As usual, I was the only one awake. The others had gone to bed hours ago, none the wiser to my nightly routine. Most nights, it didn't bother me. I enjoyed the silence and solitude; it gave me time to sort out my thoughts and feelings. But tonight, I felt a little lonely. It was times like these I wished the guys knew what was happening to me; if they had, there was no way they'd let me be alone like this. That much was made apparent after today's little slip up. The concern literally radiated off of them, and for a moment I was certain that I'd suffocate.

It was this overwhelming feeling I experienced from them that has solidified my reasoning for continuing to keep this disease a secret from them. I still had two dreams to fulfill, and I won't let anything keep me from doing so, even the very people whose dreams I'm trying to make happen. I won't let my resolve waver.

I climbed into bed, hoping that sleep would claim me quickly. It didn't. I tossed and turned, trying to quell the fires of uncertainty that have sparked in my mind. Will I even know what's going on when I die? Will I remember who I am…who my friends are? Will I be able to understand that once my eyes close, they'll never open again?

Will I be able to say goodbye to my life?

* * *

**A/N: I promise this next chapter will have the rest of BTR in it. I know these past two chapters have been way more Logan-based. So, apologies if I got off-topic.**

**So, I'm thinking about writing a series of one-shots once this story is over. It'll be a sort of prequel. Well, it'll start out as a prequel, but then it'll tie in with the events of this story. Do you guys want to see that? Please let me know, because I will not write unless people want to read it. Thanks for reading. **


	8. Chapter 7

**A/N: Wow, you guys absolutely blow me away. I really appreciate the positive feedback. Thank you so much. I hope you like the new chapter…it's extremely long. But it's a very important chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own BTR, the Nickelback song "If Today Was Your Last Day," or Bank of America.**

* * *

Chapter 8

_Would you live each moment like your last?-_Nickelback

"You guys just wait here while I get the tickets," I told my friends.

They nodded, too distracted by the big ship that stood in front of them to actually register what I said. Chuckling, I left them and made my way to the ticket counter.

The Stargazer Cruise Line was the first of its kind. Most cruise lines only allow people older than twenty-five to purchase tickets. Stargazer Cruise Line, on the other hand, allows people older than eighteen to purchase tickets. Needless to say, most of its passengers are on the younger side.

I approached the lady sitting at the counter, shooting her a dazzling smile. She looked up, clearly not impressed.

"Good afternoon, sir," she stated, her expression one of boredom.

"Hi," I greeted, "I'm here to pick up my tickets for the cruise."

"What name are the reservations under?"

"Logan Mitchell."

She clacked away on her computer, searching for my records. After about five minutes of perusing, the woman frowned.

"I'm sorry, but it seems we do not have a reservation under that name."

"What?" I exclaimed, "But I made the reservations three weeks ago!"

"Well, did you get a confirmation e-mail?"

Now it was my turn to frown. "Umm…no, I don't think I did."

"I'm afraid if you don't have a confirmation e-mail from us, I have no way of getting you on the ship."

"Oh," I said miserably, "Well, thank you for your time, then."

I walked away from the ticket counter, my head hung low. How could I have been so dumb? I should've double-checked and made sure the sale went through. I couldn't believe I was going to have to tell Kendall that we weren't going to see the glaciers. Though he wouldn't show it, I knew he was going to be so disappointed.

Slowly, I sauntered back to the guys, trying to prolong the inevitable. I was about twenty feet away from them when I spotted something to my left. Four boys, with instruments, were leisurely standing around, with _ship tickets_ in their hands. I was suddenly struck with an idea that would put all of Kendall's to shame.

Changing my direction, I walked over to the four boys. Sensing someone coming, their heads snapped in my direction, curiosity in their eyes.

"Hey."

"Hey," they replied guardedly.

"So…you guys are going on the Cassiopeia?" I asked casually.

The tallest of the quartet beamed. "Yes siree! The cruise diretor hired us to sing every night! It's our first paying gig!"

"Wow." I squirmed uncomfortably, feeling guilty for what I was about to do. "So…how much are they paying you guys?"

"7,000 bucks!" one of the other boys, who was sporting a blue Mohawk, answered, looking extremely proud.

"Could you fellas excuse me for a moment?" I asked, before taking off.

I searched the area, hoping to find a bank. Lady Luck was smiling on me that day, for I found a Bank of America close by. Going inside the bank, I withdrew several thousand dollars. The banker gave me a weird look, but I ignored her as I stuffed the money into my pocket. Hastily, I ran back to the boys, hoping I'd find them there. Thankfully, they hadn't moved.

I approached them, trying my best to not pant in their faces. They looked at me weirdly…not I couldn't blame them. Shoving my hand in my pocket, I pulled out what money remained from my emergency funds and handed it to them, along with the money I just withdrew at the bank.

"…please…I need…your…tickets," I huffed/begged, hoping that the money I gave them would be enough. I watched them anxiously as they counted the money. After a few minutes, the four boys turned to each other, exchanging words I couldn't hear. Just when I was losing hope, I saw huge smiles materialize on their faces.

"Deal!" the four of them enthusiastically exclaimed, handing me their tickets. Happily, we exchanged our items. Once the tickets were firmly in my hands, I ran off once more to find my friends.

"Thanks again!" I called over my shoulder.

"Just remember you guys perform at 7:30 pm!" one of the guys called back.

It didn't take me too much time to find the guys. Slowing down my pace, I jogged to where they were standing. I yelled their names, to which they turned their heads in my direction. I could tell by the expressions on their faces that they were extremely annoyed.

"Hey guys," I causally greeted them.

"Dude, what took you so long?" Carlos demanded impatiently, "We've been waiting for like half an hour. They were saying that the boat leaves in twenty minutes! We gotta move!"

I replied with a quick sorry before handing them their tickets. As soon as they each had a ticket in their hand we began to run toward the terminal.

* * *

Kendall grinned. "I can't believe we're actually here."

It had been three days since we boarded the ship. As part of the agreement, we were supposed to perform every night on the cruise. I was able to make excuses for the past two nights, citing seasickness. But the cruise directorthreatened that if we didn't perform _tonight_, we'd be kicked off the boat.

At the moment, however, I wasn't stressing about the sticky situation I had gotten myself into. I wasn't stressing about telling the guys that I screwed up and, in a desperate attempt to get us on the cruise, I bought off some wannabe boy band. I wasn't even stressing about the possibility of the guys being mad at me for deceiving them. I wasn't stressing… period.

All I could do was take in the beauty of Glacier Bay, Alaska. Thick columns of ice shot out from the water like trees, standing tall and proud. The atmosphere was deadly silent, save for the voices of people on passing ships. As I exhaled, I could see my breath clearly. It was so cold…I didn't think it would be possible for the glaciers to calve under these conditions.

My speculation was quickly proven false. Our ears were suddenly filled with a thunderous roar, and to our delight we saw a sheet of ice fall into the gulf, the waves it caused crashing against our hull.

I peeked over to my friends and saw both Carlos' and James' mouths opened, the sounds of the ice drowning out their screams. It was obvious they were having a good time. My eyes traveled to Kendall, hoping to see a similar response. I grinned as soon as my eyes rested on him. There was a certain twinkle in his eyes, his smile huge as he stood there and recorded the ice on his camera as it fell. It was moments like these that made me realize there was so much more to life than my personal problems.

* * *

**"**I still can't believe we have to do this," Kendall grumbled, glowering at me. I countered with an apologetic smile, hoping it would lessen his annoyance.

"Don't be such a snooze," Carlos retorted, "This is gonna be _so much fun_!" James nodded in agreement, but he looked extremely pale, and for a minute I thought he might have actually vomited.

"Yeah, and so what if we have to work a little while we're on this cruise? At least we're not cleaning toilets or something." I reasoned, hoping to soothe Kendall.

Kendall crinkled his nose. "We're singing, Logan. It's not _that _much better."

"But you three are such good singers!" I exclaimed, "I'm sure you'll change your mind once we're out there."

Kendall was about to respond when the cruise director approached us, gesturing wildly.

"You're on, boys! Good luck!"

With one last glare in my direction, Kendall stalked off toward the stage, closely trailed by James and Carlos. Sheepishly, I followed my three friends out to the stage, taking my place at the piano. Though not gifted vocally, I had a penchant for playing the piano.

I listened to my friends as they greeted the audience nervously. With a nod from Kendall, I began to play John Mayer's "Edge of Desire."

What nervousness I was feeling dissipated as soon as my fingers stroked the first piano chord. I felt myself smile as the boys began to sing, their harmonies dead-on. After we finished "Edge of Desire," we launched into the rest of our set.

During the first half of our performance, we sounded really great. And the second half of the song would have been just as great, were it not for the fact I started messing up.

When the first time I messed up occurred, no one thought anything of it. When the second time I messed up transpired, I noticed Kendall glance back at me. He and I both knew my playing ability was nearly flawless, and it was rare for me to mess up so often. But only I knew the reason that tonight was different. To my dismay, another sign of my ailment had manifested.

Thankfully, what mistakes I made after that were so minor that no one really noticed. As the last notes of the last song faded, the audience stood up, clapping loudly. Flushed face, my friends bade the crowd goodnight before going backstage. I quickly waved to the throng of people before joining my companions, smiling as they gushed over their performance.

"Holy crap! That was awesome!" James cried, smiling like a madman.

"Except for a few mess ups on the piano, it was amazing," Kendall agreed before turning to me, "What happened out there, anyways? You like never mess up."

I shrugged, trying to act nonchalant. "Oh you know, I was nervous and the boat was rocking. Dumb stuff like that."

"Well, don't let my mom hear about that. She'd be so ashamed if she knew her pride and joy messed up so much."

I laughed, knowing his statement was true. Mrs. Knight took me under her wing five years ago, teaching me everything she knew about the piano. Considering neither Katie nor Kendall expressed an interest in the piano, Mrs. Knight was more than thrilled to pass down the information to somebody.

"Excuse me?" a female voice asked meekly, startling me.

The four of us turned to face the source of the sound and discovered a young woman standing next to a rather fat man. Both of them eyed us expectantly.

"Yes?" Kendall replied.

"We heard you singing," the fat man boomed, his voice _incredibly_ loud, "And it didn't make my ears bleed."

"Umm…thank you?" James responded.

The fat man laughed. "No, not _you. _Him." He pointed his finger at Kendall. Kendall quirked an eyebrow, his countenance morphing into one of disbelief.

"Me?"

"You have fire," the man answered, "I like that."

"Thanks," Kendall replied, not sure why this man was talking to him in the first place. Quite frankly, I was curious, too.

"What Gustavo is trying to say," the woman piped up, smiling at Kendall, "Is that he wants to sign you to Rocque Records."

The man, now known as Gustavo, clapped his hands together. "So, what do you say?"

I didn't hear what Kendall said because James pushed past me, running off backstage. Kendall and Carlos looked in the direction James ran off in, clearly distressed by our friend's suddenly leave. The two of them looked back at me, and a silent exchange took place. Nodding to my friends, I darted after James.

"James!" I called, hoping he'd answer me. He didn't.

I soon found myself outside on one of the ship's many decks. The sun had already set, and many stars covered the sky. Feeling the cool night air coat my skin, I began my search for James once again.

I found him on the top deck,sitting on a bench. Slowing down my gait, I approached my friend, sitting down next to him. He didn't acknowledge me, his face pointed toward the sea. The lights of the stars shined upon his face, and I could see the tears sliding down his cheeks. Their trail caused an iridescent glow, and I was reminded of a time long ago. We sat in silence for several minutes before James spoke up.

"He didn't even want to."

I looked over at him. "I'm…sorry?"

"Kendall. He didn't even _want _to sing tonight, and now look at him! He's got some record producer wanting to sign him. How is that _fair_?"

"Look, James—"

But I was cut off. James sprang up from his seat, his fists clenched by his sides. He began to tremble, but I knew it wasn't from the sea breeze. He looked past me, his face filled with fury and anguish.

"_I'm _the one this should be happening to! I'm the one who wants to be a famous singer. Not him. Why is he _always _better than me?"

I stood up as well, placing my hands on James' shoulders.

"Look at me."

When James didn't, I shook him gently.

"James, look at me."

He finally relented, his gaze on me breaking my heart. Such despair I saw in his eyes.

"Kendall is _not _a better singer than you," I began, "Didn't you hear Gustavo? He like Kendall for his _fire_, his confidence. And I could tell how nervous you were up there, and it got the best of you. You definitely did _not _sing your best tonight. But it happens. I messed up a lot on the piano, didn't I? But that doesn't mean I'm an awful piano player. I know what sacrifices you made for your dream. And if anyone deserves to have their dream come true…it's you, James. And I know it'll happen for you."

"Maybe even sooner than you think," a voice behind me said. I turned around and saw both Kendall and Carlos standing there, their eyes filled with excitement. Peering back at James, it was obvious he was _not _happy to see Kendall.

"What do you mean?" James demanded.

Kendall smirked. "What I mean is that I told Gustavo that if he wanted to sign me, he'd have to sign all of us."

James' eyes widened in complete shock. "What?"

"You heard me, popstar," Kendall teased, "Gustavo caved, and Carlos already said he was up for it. Now it's just up to you. You ready for your dreams to come true?"

James didn't even blink. "Heck yeah!"

We all cheered, and then decided we should head back inside. Carlos and James were ahead of Kendall and me, chattering about the possibilities of stardom. As we distanced ourselves from the two of them, I looked up at Kendall.

"What about hockey? You know it takes a long time to make an album. And what if you're a hit?"

Kendall chuckled as he swung his arm over my shoulder. "Yeah, I thought about that. But…some things are more important. I can put my dream on hold for awhile."

I was stunned by his selflessness. "You are something else, Kendall Knight, did you know that?"

"Me? Look at you. None of this would've happened without you. And I know with you as our manager, we'll get James where he needs to be."

"Manager?" I asked, confused by this sudden information.

"Well…Gustavo didn't think a piano player would match the genre of music he wants us to do. So, I had to convince him to take you as our manager."

"Somehow, I think I should feel insulted."

Kendall threw his head back and laughed, and thus began one of our last nights as four normal Minnesotan boys.

* * *

**A/N: So I never did see the episode where Gustavo signs them, so I apologize if he seems out of character. Thanks again for reading, and I hope this chapter wasn't incredibly boring. The rest of the chapters shouldn't be as long. **


	9. Chapter 8

**A/N: I'm so sorry for the wait! I was having trouble thinking of where to go. But I finally figured something out, so I hope you enjoy. Thank you so much for reading and for all the reviews. It means more to me than you'll ever know.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush or the Nickelback song "If Today Was Your Last Day."**

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Chapter 8

_Let nothing stand in your way  
'Cause the hands of time are never on your side_- Nickelback

I couldn't believe how fast time was passing by. It felt like we had arrived in Hollywood just yesterday rather than two months ago. My friends' journey to fame was going by so quickly. But the transformation that has taken place within each of my friends has been amazing. In the two months we've been here, I've seen them mature greatly. Never in my life had I seen James so dedicated. It was obvious that he was meant for this life. Kendall, too, has changed. In all my time knowing Kendall, the only thing he had on his mind was hockey. But now, I could see he was willing to adapt and adopt someone's dream as his own. For which I was grateful. As talented as Kendall is at hockey, I couldn't help but fear for his safety out on the ice. Just the thought of his teeth potentially being knocked out one day made me cringed. And then there was Carlos. I think out of the three of them, he has perhaps matured the most. With each passing day, he becomes more determined. It was nice to see him be passionate about something other than becoming a superhero. For a while there, I was worried he would be one of those people who dressed up like Bugs Bunny or some other cartoon character at the local amusement park.

Everything seemed perfect. The four of us were becoming even closer, if that was at all possible. The guys were showing major improvement in their vocals and dance routines; their chances of stardom increasing with each day. There was even a sign of love amongst the boys of Big Time Rush. Both Kendall and Carlos had found girlfriends at the Palm Woods, which I was more than happy to see. James had yet to find a girl, but I knew that wouldn't be true for very long. As for me? Well, there is this girl…

* * *

I was really looking forward to today. Today, we were going to see the final product of Big Time Rush's first music video. I barely slept the night before because I was so excited.

When I woke up this morning, I felt…odd. I couldn't describe the feeling…I just knew it didn't feel right. I figured it was due to lack of sleep, so I ignored the feeling, and eventually it receded. With the boys none the wiser, we ate breakfast in companionable silence, and then made our way to Rocque Records.

I tried to focus on the music video, I really did. But, the odd feeling came back, and this time it was accompanied by these unusual smells that no matter how hard I tried to ignore, I couldn't. I started to feel really dizzy, and a couple of times, I felt this "out of body" sensation. I remember gripping the armrest of the chair I was in, trying to fight off these feelings and sensations. There was no way I was going to let whatever was going on ruin the guys' special moment.

"Logan? Are you ok?" I heard Kendall ask. Vaguely, I heard myself muttering that I was fine. Again, I tried focusing my attention on the screen, hoping I could make out the fuzzy images I was seeing.

I'm not sure what happened next. One moment, I was gripping the armrest of the chair, the next moment, I remember hearing panicked, indistinguishable, voices all around me as someone rolled me onto my side. I don't even remember falling to the floor. The last thing I remember before blacking out was hearing someone screaming to call 911.

* * *

And that's how the illusion of perfection shattered into a million shards. Just this morning, everything was as it should've been. We were happy and carefree, anticipating great things in the future. Now, I was lying in a hospital bed as a doctor reminded me of reality.

"Well, Mr. Mitchell, it seems the seizure was a result of your disease," Dr. Martin explained, flipping through my chart.

I sighed, putting my face in my hands. After three months of running, the truth had finally caught up; I could no longer hide from it. I heard the doctor shift uncomfortably before he began speaking again.

"Have you….told your friends?" he asked hesitantly.

I looked up at him and saw the concern in his eyes. I felt the tears prickle my eyes and I was temporarily too overwhelmed to speak. In response to his question, I merely shook my head. The doctor clucked sympathetically as he approached my bed, sitting down on it. Gently, he reached out and placed his hand on my shoulder, his green eyes boring through me. I inwardly winced at the intensity of his gaze.

"You really should tell them," he advised, "It would help if they knew what to expect. If you want, I can tell them for you."

"No!" I replied quickly, unsettled by the thought of someone else telling them, "I'll do it."

The doctor smiled sadly at me, squeezing my shoulder, "Do you want to tell them now? I can bring them in; they're worried sick about you."

I exhaled shakily, but nodded my head. Dr. Martin gave my shoulder a last reassuring squeeze before standing back up. As his hand reached for the doorknob of my room, I called out to him.

"Dr. Martin?" I asked meekly. He turned around, eyeing me expectantly. I gulped before continuing. "You see, before…_this _happened, I was studying to become a doctor. I often wondered how I give my patients the bad news. Do…do you have any advice on how I can tell my friends?"

The doctor's hand fell from the knob, falling limply at his side. He seemed shock by my question, but quickly recovered.

"Well, Mr. Mitchell, in my experience, I've found the best way to break the news to someone is to be honest, but compassionate. Beating around the bush often scares the patient even more. It's also important to remain calm, and always be willing to listen to their reaction."

I nodded, but didn't feel any more ready. "Ok. Thank you, Dr. Martin."

He smiled at me one more time before leaving my room. I flopped back onto the bed, my heart beating quickly. The minutes ticked by slowly, and I was sure I'd go mad before the doctor came back. Finally, Dr. Martin returned, with my friends trailing behind him. Seeing their faces light up when they saw me made me wish I was stuck in the perpetually stillness I had found myself just moments ago. As my friends pulled up the chairs near my bed, I noticed the doctor quietly slip out of the room. My attention was quickly turned back to my friends who were happily chattering to me.

"Logan! Dude, don't _ever _scare me like that!" Carlos reprimanded, his facial features a mix between relief and mock anger. James slapped his head. Carlos hissed in pain, comically glaring at James.

"What Carlos is trying to say," James stated, "Is that we're happy you're ok."

"Yeah, we were really scared," Kendall continued, "What happened, anyways? The doctor said he couldn't tell us."

I was about ready to crawl in a hole and disappear forever. I knew that as soon as the words came out of my mouth, their lives would be changed forever. _Everything _would be changed forever. But I knew I couldn't deny them the truth any longer. I looked down at the bed sheets as I spoke.

"I wish I could tell you guys differently, but I'm not ok," I began, my voice even.

"Of course you're ok!" Carlos insisted, "Look at you, you're awake and—"

I interrupted him, "Today's episode was not some random occurrence. It happened for a reason." I couldn't help the vagueness of my response…so much for the direct approach.

"What do you mean Logan?" James inquired, his voice tight and filled with apprehension.

"What I mean is," I paused, trying to keep the tears from coming out. But it was too much. "I'm dying!" I finally exclaimed.

"What?" Carlos cried out angrily, "Logan stop, that's not funny! It's sick."

My head snapped up, the tears cascading down my face. "It's not a joke! Three months ago, I was diagnosed with Batten's Disease! It's a neurodegenerative disorder and it's _fatal._ There is _no cure_. I'm dying, Carlos."

Carlos gasped, the truth finally sinking in. Tears began to well up in his eyes, and he started to shake. The boy's reaction went unnoticed by the other two, who stared at me, transfixed by the words I said. James snapped out of it first, apparently making a morbid connection.

"Is that why we took this road trip in the first place? Was it some way for you to say goodbye to us?" he demanded, his voice gruff as he tried to suppress his emotions.

At that point, the struggle to keep from completely breaking down was so great, that all I could manage was a quick nod. Overwhelmed, I looked back down at the sheets, gripping them tightly in my hands. As I tried to calm myself down, I heard the sound of someone standing up, and I heard the sound of footsteps moving rapidly toward the door. As I heard the door swing open, I lifted my head and saw the back of Kendall's shirt as he ran out the door. With a violent slam, the door shut, leaving the three of us stunned in his wake. In a blink of an eye, James was up as well, and he too ran out the door, presumably to find Kendall.

As the door slammed shut for a second time, Carlos burst into tears, his emotions too great to keep locked up inside. I watched him weep, wishing that there was some way to comfort him. But I knew at this point, there was nothing I could do. All I could do was lay there, letting the guilt consume me.

What had I done?

* * *

**A/N: So, it was really hard to find the right disease, but I think I managed to find the right one. If you know stuff about this disease, please let me know. It would greatly help me write the rest of the story. **

**The rest of the story from here on out will be from Kendall's perspective, unless otherwise stated. Just so you know.**

**Thank you so much for reading, and I really hope you liked this chapter. **


	10. Chapter 9

**A/N: You guys are absolutely wonderful. The support I've received for this story is unbelievable. So, thank you. Much love to you all.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own BTR, the Nickelback song, "If Today Was Your Last Day" or the Evanescence song "Breathe No More" (which, if you haven't heard it before, I highly recommend you listen to. It's beautiful).**

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Chapter 9

_Lie to me,  
Convince me that I've been sick forever.  
And all of this,  
Will make sense when I get better_- Evanescence

_This can't be real._ That was the phrase that was repeated in my head over and over again, like a broken record. It was my mantra as I continued to run. Where was I going? I didn't know. I was too blinded by disbelief to focus on my surroundings. All I could do was feel the rhythm of my footsteps slapping the pavement as I attempted to make sense of what just happened.

But it was no use. How could I make sense of something so vile, so unjust? How could I accept that my best friend, _my brother_, was dying? No, this had to be a nightmare. Or a hallucination.

Maybe I was going crazy. At that point, anything but the truth would have been gladly accepted.

A honk disrupted my thoughts, jarring me out of my frenzy. I noticed a car a few feet away from me, the driver looking incredibly upset as he shook his fist at me. But I didn't care. I simply walked onto the sidewalk, finally becoming aware of my surroundings. I was in front of a cemetery. I wasn't sure if I should have laughed or cried at the irony. But I suppose fate is sometimes cruel that way.

I stopped near a big oak tree inside the cemetery, leaning against it for support. I felt so tired, as if the very air I breathed zapped my energy away. All I could do was mindlessly watch the mourners in the graveyard weep as they stood in front of a tombstone.

My ears detected a presence quickly approaching me. Even though I didn't turn around, I knew it was either Carlos or James who had followed me.

"Kendall," I heard a familiar voice breathe, a hand clasping my shoulder.

It was James. Mustering what strength I had, I turned around and faced my best friend. The first thing I noticed was how different he looked. His face was ashen, a startling contrast to his naturally tan skin. His eyes were bright, filled to the brim with unshed tears that he fought to keep at bay. What was the most contradictory was his hair. His normally coiffed hair was messily windswept, no doubt from all the running he had to do to find me. Rather than taking out his lucky comb and carefully fixing his hair in typical James fashion, he left it as it was.

"James," I croaked, "Please…tell me that I've gone off the deep end and this is just some drug-induced nightmare that will go away when I wake up."

I was met with silence. What remaining energy I had quickly evaporated as I looked at James, searching his face for the answer I so desperately sought. Seeing him standing in front of me, at a loss for words, solidified the information I had just received. _Logan was dying. _I began to tremble.

"He's supposed to be a doctor," I murmured, "he's supposed to be the one to take of the sick. He's _not _supposed to be dying. He's _nineteen _years old!" My anger began to rise, churning inside of me like the waters of Lake Superior during a thunderstorm. James said nothing, his face scrunched up in sorrow and despair.

My rage flared. "Logan's a great guy! He doesn't _deserve _this. All his life, he's experienced nothing but pain and suffering. And _now_, when things were looking up for him, _this _happens! It's not fair!"

"I know," James replied, his voice breaking. Hot tears began to drip down my face, the depression gripping my heart. It was too much to handle.

"Why did it have to be Logan?" I asked, my breath hitched, "Why couldn't it have been me?"

_SMACK!_

Instantly, my hand flew to my face, my skin hot underneath my touch. I looked back at James, too shocked to say anything. Shakily, he retracted his hand, allowing it to fall to his side. Finally breaking free of their confinement, his tears slid down his face in a steady stream. His hazel eyes had darkened, the expression difficult to decipher. Never in my life had I seen James like this, and it scared the living crap out of me.

"Do you really think that?" James inquired slowly, his voice threatening to crack.

I slowly nodded my head. If I could, I would trade places with Logan in a heartbeat. "Wouldn't you?" I asked quietly.

In response, James tore his gaze off of me and turned around so that his back now faced me. His voice low and emotionless, I heard James whisper, "You are incredibly selfish, Kendall."

Before I could do anything, James walked away, leaving me in the cemetery.

* * *

I'm not sure how long I stayed in that graveyard. I was too preoccupied with what James said to notice how much time passed. Eventually, I found myself back at the hospital, walking to Logan's room. As quietly as I could, I opened the door to his room.

Stepping inside, I noticed the atmosphere of the room change drastically. Logan's eyes immediately flickered down at his bed sheets, his hand patting the covers absentmindedly. Carlos gave me a tight smile, as if trying to reassure me that nothing had changed since I had left. But I knew that wasn't the case. I don't know how I knew, but I knew James told them what I said to him at the cemetery, the tension in the air evidence enough. I glanced at James and quickly noticed his attention was not focused on me, but rather on Logan. I could sense he was still mad at me from our talk in the cemetery, though honestly, I didn't understand why he was. We remained still for what felt like eternity, the silence becoming deafening. Finally, Logan spoke up.

"Carlos, why don't you and James go to the cafeteria downstairs? Maybe you can bring something for Kendall while you're there."

_Great. _If there was _any _doubt that James didn't tell Logan, it was just crushed by that one suggestion. I observed Carlos vigorously nod his head as he stood up from the chair he was sitting in. He grabbed James, who up until this point still remained motionless, by the wrist and dragged him out of the room. Vaguely, I made out Carlos telling James about all the really good food the hospital cafeteria had. I flinched as I heard the door slam shut, knowing that there was no escape now. Slowly, I looked back at Logan, hoping I'd be able to gauge his feelings. Unfortunately, I couldn't read him, which made me all the nervous. Was he going to be mad at me, too? That was the last thing I needed now. My heart was already beyond disrepair as things stood currently.

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of movement from Logan's bed as he leaned forward, getting a better look at me. I noticed a frown appear on his face, his eyes shimmering in a way akin to sadness. I felt myself moved by some unseen force as I made my way to his bed, plopping down on the edge of it. Adjusting my body so that I was facing him, I waited for Logan to say something. Logan inhaled deeply, and then spoke.

"Did you really mean what you said to James?" His voice sounded so sad, so heartbroken. It took me by surprise…I was expecting anger, not melancholy.

But I didn't hesitate. "Of course I did, Logie. You're one of the most important people in my life. The thought—" I hiccupped, gasping for air, tears that were no longer foreign creeping into my eyes once again. I couldn't speak, the sorrow enveloping me with its oppressive presence. I turned away from him, not able to face him…to face the truth.

"Did you even think of the people who care about you when you said it?"

I looked back at Logan, caught off guard by his question.

"What's that got to do with anything? Logan, you're _dying_. I hardly think we—"

Logan held up his hand, silencing me. "Yes, I'm dying. And you're not. Why would you wish differently?"

"Because…I don't want to lose you. I care about you too much to just let go."

"What about the people who care for _you_?" he asked, echoing his previous question, "Did you even consider what they'd do or how they'd feel if you were the one gone?"

I bowed my head. "No, I didn't think abou—"

His tone sharpened. "That's right; you didn't think. Do you have any idea how it made James feel to hear you say that? How it makes _me _feel to know you're saying such things on _my _account?" I could hear his pitch change, reflecting hurt, "Would you want to hear James or Carlos, your _best friends_, say that to you?"

He was right. It wasn't fair of me to say those kinds of things to the people who care for Logan and me. I was just making the situation worse, causing even more pain for the people around me. I ran my fingers through my hair. I could feel my temper begin to burn again as I addressed Logan's question.

"Look, you're right. I wouldn't want to hear them say that. But I'm _pissed _Logan, okay?" I clenched my hands, forming two fists that at that I moment I wanted to use to punch the nearby wall. "It's not _fair_, Logan. It's just not. You were _supposed _to be the best man at my wedding. You were _supposed _to be the godfather of my children. We were _supposed _have this amazing life as best friends, and grow old together. And it's been taken away from me! From _you_. You of all people don't deserve this, Logan."

"No one _deserves_ to die young, Kendall," he responded calmly, "But it happens. And I know you guys are angry and upset. I am too, but—"

I'm not sure what happened, but something inside me snapped. "You know what Logan?" I said, interrupting him, "I don't think you do understand. Because if you did understand how we felt, then you wouldn't have led us on this God forsaken cross-country expedition. Don't you realize that what was a _fantastic _summer has now been completely destroyed for us? It's like you stringed us along, playing with our emotions until the truth inadvertently came out. And you didn't even tell us of your own free will! You were _forced _to because you wound up in the hospital! How long were you going to play this game, Logan? Were you going to wait until you actually _died_ to let us know?"

For the first time in my life, I heard something that I never thought I'd hear. I heard Logan raise his voice.

"I was scared, okay?" he exclaimed, the action causing his heart monitor to beep rapidly, "I knew that once I told you guys, my fate was sealed. I would have to come to terms with my death! And I wasn't ready."

Panicking, I grabbed Logan's hands. "Logan, you need to calm down," I cooed, hoping he would listen to me. He squeezed my hands tightly, and the beeping of the heart monitor resumed its normal tempo. I exhaled audibly, relieved that he managed to compose himself. But what relief I experienced was quickly forgotten as I peered into his eyes. His brown orbs spoke volumes, his fear and sadness as clear as day. To my dismay, I saw tears starting to collect, giving his eyes a glassy countenance. I removed my hands from his, and leaned forward to hug him. He melted into my touch, his cool façade crumbling all around him. Sobs racked his body, causing the both of us to shake violently. My tears returned as well, cascading down my face and onto Logan's hospital gown. Once we both had a grip on our emotions, I pulled away from him, looking at him concernedly.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered, ashamed of what I put him through.

"No, you were right. I was being selfish by not telling you guys when I first knew. I wanted to believe that everything was ok, that if I just ignored it, it would go away. I didn't want you guys to view me as a sickly person and I didn't want to give up my independence. I didn't want you guys to think I was weak."

I clasped my hands on his shoulders, patting them firmly. "Logie, if there is one I thing I know…it's that you are the strongest person I have ever met. You have gone through things that would drive even the most mentally sound people to insanity. But you've handled them all so well, and have even excelled in spite of them. You have to know, Logan, that none of us think this makes you weak. Your illness doesn't define you, you _define _it."

Logan gave me a smile. It was incredibly small, but definitely genuine. Instinctively, I returned the smile. For one brief moment, I saw a glimpse of our former life as young, healthy hockey players from Minnesota. But, it quickly disappeared as a thought crossed my mind.

"Be honest with me…how is this gonna go down?"

I didn't need to elaborate, for Logan's smile immediately turned into a grimace upon hearing my question. "Well, the degree of severity varies from individual to individual, so—"

I cut him off. "It's bad, isn't it?"

He nodded. I was about to press for more information when the door opened, revealing Carlos and James.

"We brought some snacks," Carlos chirped, trying to appear upbeat. But it was obvious that while he and James were in the cafeteria, more tears had been shed. Wordlessly, James handed me a bag of chips. I nodded in thanks, and he reciprocated the movement, his hazel eyes boring into mine, the emotions once again unreadable. I knew I owed him an apology, but I also knew bringing it up now wouldn't be the wisest move.

James and Carlos sat down, and none of us bothered to say anything. It was clear that all we wanted at that moment was to spend as much time together as possible, since time was now so limited.

* * *

**A/N: I may not be able to update for a while because the next two weekends (and actually this weekend as well), I'm going to be extremely busy. But I promise to try my hardest to have something up. Thank you so much for reading. I hope you liked it. **


	11. Chapter 10

**A/N: I was in a really depressed mood when I wrote this, so just be warned. I would like to dedicate this chapter to Miss Fenway, for her last chapter of the beautiful story "Three" inspired me to write this chapter. I'm sure the vast majority of the people who read my story read hers, but if you haven't, I highly suggest you read and review. Let her know I sent you. She truly is brilliant.**

**Disclaimer: I don't not own Big Time Rush, the Nickelback song "If Today Was Your Last Day" or ****The Tale of Heike

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Chapter 10

_The Pale hue of the flowers of the teak-tree shows the truth that they who prosper must fall. The proud ones do not last long, but vanish like a spring-night's dream. And the mighty ones too will perish in the end, like dust before the wind" ~The Tale of Heike_

For the past six weeks, I've been trapped in my own personal hell. With each passing day, I've witnessed my best friend transform from a healthy teenager into something almost inhuman.

Logan had gone blind two weeks after he was admitted into the hospital. I remember the strong urge to vomit the first time he looked up at me, his once pristine brown eyes clouded by the sightlessness his malady had afforded him. It took every ounce of control I had inside of me to not collapse onto the floor. I had to be strong for him. That was the only thing that got me and the others through our visits with Logan. Day in and day out, we'd take our positions by his bedside, talk about random things, and then say our goodbyes and make promises to return when visiting hours started again…all with a straight face. But as soon as we would return to the Palm Woods, and as soon as we closed the door to apartment 2J, we would break down, sobbing into each other's shoulders, gripping onto each other as tightly as we could, in hopes of receiving some solace. We followed this pattern everyday for six weeks…just like clockwork.

Shortly after his blindness came the memory loss. Thankfully, this came on gradually, so we weren't as caught off guard as we were by his sudden loss of sight. Though we were fortunate enough to be aware of the loss before it fully came on, it still came on too quickly. As quick as a flash, Logan was no more. In his place was a shell, a shell that looked and spoke like Logan, but wasn't _Logan_. Every time we'd come visit, we'd have to explain who we were, and each time we had to reintroduce ourselves to our best friend, it was like being stabbed by a knife over and over again. But "Logan" would never know. He would always respond the same way: a content smile and a cheerful nod in acknowledgment. None the wiser to our pain. Briefly, I wondered if Logan felt the same way when we didn't know about his illness. Were we as unaware of his pain as he is of our pain?

In the beginning, Logan's screams of pains were so haunting, so shocking that it brought me and James and Carlos to tears every time. To know that our best friend could hurt so much without us being able to do anything was a hard fact to face. In a way, the memory loss was a blessing. The doctors assured us that the pain Logan was in would quickly be forgotten as soon as the morphine took effect. The obliviousness of what his body had just gone through evident by the goofy grin on his face that almost reached his cloud-filled eyes.

His seizures became more frequent and more violent. And it seemed no matter what the doctors did, nothing could stop his tremors. Pathetically, the three of us watched our friend deteriorate right in front of our eyes. Though the doctors never said it to our faces, we heard their whispers to one another, heralding the news we most feared: Logan's time was coming.

After over a month's time of witnessing Logan's decline, we were emotionally spent. The three of us were too weary to be affected by Logan's pain anymore. Every time Logan would cry out in pain or begin to convulse, one of us would calmly stand up, press the nurse's button, and stoically request assistance. It was almost as if we were robots, operating on autopilot.

Toward the end, Logan finally lost the ability to speak. A part of me was a bit relieved…listening to his voice was too painful. I didn't even realize how much it hurt until it was gone.

Every time the doctors would come in, they'd cluck quietly to themselves as they checked Logan's vitals, shooting the three of us and Logan looks of pity and sympathy. I didn't even bother to address them anymore. No matter how compassionate a person is, _no one _could completely understand what we were going through unless they have gone through it themselves. To me, all their glances did was serve as a reminder that the world is unjust.

**

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**

It was a glorious October evening. Logan would've loved it had he been able to go outside. The day had been equally glorious, the weather remaining at a constant cool temperature of 68 degrees, which was unusual for this time of the year in Hollywood. It was sunny, but a breeze from the north helped keep the temperature down, giving us a nice break from the sweltering California heat. Carlos, James, and I didn't spend a lot of time outside though, just the amount of time it takes to get inside the hospital. But doctors and visitors alike who passed Logan's room would comment on how beautiful the weather was today, oblivious to the dreariness of the room they walked by. Though stunning the day was, I couldn't help but think that Logan would never _see_ the sky again and never _feel_ the cool autumn breeze. Hell, truth was he'd probably leave this hospital in a body bag. I wanted to hit myself on the head repeatedly in order to get those awful thoughts out of my head, but I knew that the truth couldn't be silenced, no matter how hard I tried.

"Kendall?" I heard a voice ask, snapping me out of my daydream. I noticed a hand slowly moving up and down in front of my face. Turning my head, I discovered James looking at me expectantly.

"I'm sorry…what did you say?" I inquired.

James sighed quietly, "I asked you if you were sure you don't mind hanging here while Carlos and I go to the cafeteria."

Truth was, none of us wanted to leave Logan's side. But, there really was no point in all three of us being in there, especially when Logan was comatose. Two days ago, he slipped into a coma unexpectedly. The doctors never commented on it, only giving us vague instructions to alert them should his state change. But it was painfully obvious that the doctors didn't believe he'd get better. Since then, we decided to take shifts, so that we could all get one-on-one time with Logan before _it _happened.

Even though we all agreed, it was still hard for any of us to go somewhere without the other two. These past few weeks have been taxing, and throughout the duration we've relied heavily on one another. Even though none of us had any words of encouragement, just knowing that someone was there and experiencing the same thing provided some comfort. And as a result, we've developed a codependent relationship, constantly needing one another to get by. It's probably not healthy, but it's effective and for now it's the only thing that's keeping us from going insane.

Though I didn't want to be left alone, I shook my head, "No, it's ok. You two go on ahead."

Both boys peered at me uncertainly, but eventually left. Inhaling deeply, I looked at Logan. He had lost a lot of weight, mostly due to the fact he could no longer swallow. I cringed as I saw his collarbone poking out of his hospital gown. He was like a walking skeleton. Minus the walking…he hasn't been able to move for the past week and a half. The doctors said it was normal for people with Logan's illness to lose the ability to walk and move, but it still sucked to know that someone who was so lively, so athletic was confined to a bed, living out his days in a demented state of existence.

Leaning forward, I gently grabbed Logan's hand. His hand was cold, like marble.

"Logie I…" I gulped, my emotions overwhelming me. "I'm scared, Logie. I'm not ready to let you go. None of us are. But…I know that you're suffering so much right now. And you don't deserve that. The doctors have been telling us that it's amazing that you've held out for this long, especially with how severe you illness has become. They say they don't know why, but I think I do. Logie…there is some part of you still here, past the blindness, the memory loss…and you're still holding on for us, aren't you? It's ok, Logie…you don't have to suffer on our behalf. You c-can let go."

I bit back a sob as I directed my attention onto the floor. The thought of Logan no longer being here was just too much to bear.

I was so focused on my misery, that I almost didn't notice the sudden pressure on my hand. Startled I directed my attention onto Logan. At first, nothing happened, but then I felt it again. _Logan was squeezing my hand._

For a moment, I forgot how to breathe. Then, I remembered what the doctor said and I let go of Logan's hand. I stood up quickly, and went for the door, hoping to find a doctor nearby. My hand was on the doorknob when it happened.

I suddenly felt the temperature in the room drop drastically. A shiver ran up my spine, and I noticed the goose bumps appearing on my arms. Feeling the fear build up inside of me, I glanced back at Logan.

"Logie?" I whispered, hoping against hope my gut feeling was wrong.

A sudden, loud pure tone answered my query, and I noticed Logan's heart monitor flatline. I could literally feel the blood drain from my face as I ran back to Logan and shook him.

"Logan? Logan! Logan, please wake up!" I pleaded.

The door slammed open, and several people clad in white bounded inside. One of the people, a stout but tall man, lunged for me, wrapping his meaty arms around me, pulling me away from Logan. The man exited the room and deposited me on the hospital floor before quickly returning inside. I landed on the ground in a crumpled heap.

"No! NO! Please God, no!" I wailed, the tears spilling down my face rapidly.

"Kendall!" a voice to my right yell. Looking over, I noticed Carlos running toward me, James following closely behind. Both of them made it to where I was in no time flat, quickly kneeling down to meet me eye-to-eye.

"Kendall what—" Carlos started to ask, but stopped mid-sentence once he got a good look at my face. It didn't take either Carlos or James long to figure out what happened. Both of my friends plopped down onto the concrete next to me. James buried his head in his hands, his body beginning to shake noticeably. I could make out a muffled sob every now and then, but for the most part he remained silent. Carlos, who was on my left leaned his head against the wall, his eyes scrunched shut. Though his eyes were shut tightly, the tears rolled down his face freely. I kept my eyes glued on Logan's door, the tears still flowing down my face steadily. I wouldn't let myself give up on Logan. The doctor was going to come out any moment, and tell us he's ok.

Minutes that felt like eternity ticked by, but after an immeasurable amount of time, Dr. Martin stepped outside of Logan's room. He looked like he was about to say something, but none of us paid him much attention. We all stood up quickly, and pushed past the doctor. I was the first one inside Logan's room. I was the first one to see two of nurses pull the sheets over Logan's head, and a third one recording something on a clipboard. Shortly after the information clicked inside my head, I heard to gasps come from behind me. The nurse holding the clipboard looked up at us, startled to see us inside the room.

"Oh…uh…um…" she stammered. Finally collecting herself somewhat, she managed to whisper, "I-I'm sorry for your loss."

I didn't even realize I was on the floor until I felt a dull pain in my knee. But that didn't matter, not now. I felt a pair of arms wrap around me, and then felt another pair of arms do the same thing. Adjusting my head to get a better view, I saw that both James and Carlos had joined me on the floor, holding onto me for dear life. Mirroring their movements, I wrapped my arms around them, my lifeline.

Together, we cried and mourned for our brother.

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**A/N: I first want to apologize to Miss Fenway for dedicating such a depressing chapter to you. But it just felt right. And I want to apologize to those who were hoping for Logan to recover. I truly do feel bad, but I honestly couldn't envision this story with Logan living. So, apologies.**

**There are about four to five chapters left of this story. There's a slight chance there might be more, but it'll depend on how I decide to write it out. I'll be sure to let you know. And as soon as this is done, I will get started on the prequel/one-shots to this story. If you guys can give me suggestions for a title for that story, I'd greatly appreciate it. Thank you so much for reading, you are all truly amazing. **


	12. Chapter 11

**A/N**: **To quote Miss Fenway, I think I may have scared off a few people with the last chapter. Sorry! I know this story is going really fast, but I'll be filling in the gaps with the prequel/one-shots that I'll be starting in the near future (hopefully). **

**I'm sorry that I haven't updated in a long time. October was a very hard month for me, especially toward the end of it. I had to put all my stories on hold for about two weeks. And to top it off, I was already having such difficulties writing this chapter. But I found my muse in a rather interesting spot. Anyways I hope you like the next chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

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Chapter 11

_Fast as the rolling seasons bring_  
_The hour of fate to those we love_  
_Each pearl that leaves the broken string_  
_Is set in Friendship's crown above_  
_As narrower grows the earthly chain_  
_The circle widens in the sky_  
_These are our treasures that remain_  
_ But those are stars that beam on high_ –Oliver Wendell, Sr.

Death is perhaps the most impartial phenomenon in existence. It doesn't limit itself to just one race, gender, or even age. It doesn't seek those who deserve it, nor does it exempt based on merit. Death reaches out to all people, regardless of their past, present, or future. It simply does what it does, without rhyme or reason.

As my friends and I stand around our best friend's grave, I can safely say that I have seen firsthand how blind death truly is, for if death could see, there would be no way in hell that Logan would be gone now. He was going to be a great doctor, perhaps even the best. I had total confidence that he would have changed the world someday. But now I'll never get to see it, for Logan was taken way before he should've been.

The funeral was nice...well, as nice as a funeral can possibly be. We brought Logan's body back to Minnesota so he could be buried next to his mother, which I know would have meant a lot to him. Many people, from Minnesota and California alike, came to pay their respects. The priest preached a few Bible verses here and there, laced with his own words of encouragement, which I'm sure helped lift some of the grieving's spirits.

If only that were the case for my friends and I.

Carlos broke down as soon as they began to lower Logan's casket into the ground. With a loud thud, he sank to his knees, tears freely gushing down his face. I was by his side in an instant, holding him tightly as he sobbed into my chest. James followed suit, his hand gripping onto Carlos' shoulder tightly. His gaze and mine met silently, his hazel eyes expressing such grave sorrow that I had to look away. My eyes found their way back to Logan's coffin, and through blurred vision, I watched as they placed one of the greatest people I ever knew in his final resting place. I felt an unearthly chill take hold of my body, colder than any Minnesotan winter had ever been. It was surreal, to know that I would never see my best friend again.

Once the last shovel-full of dirt was placed upon Logan's grave, mourners began to deparat group by group. A few of them would come up to my friends and I , either offering their condolences or suggest we move indoors before we freeze. Even though it was only November, the beginnings of winter have emerged here. To those who offered their support, I politely thanked them. To the others, I gave them vague promises of going home soon, to give them some peace of mind on such a dreary day.

At one point, I saw my mother and sister look over at us, as if deciding whether or not they should try to take us home. Wisely, they decided to stay where they were as they too accepted kind words from the other mourners.

I don't know how long we stayed by Logan's grave. It had been cloudly all day, so we were unable to gauge the time using the sun. But I doubt any of us cared, really. We were too grief-stricken to even realize that time was passing us by.

All that mattered was that this was our final goodbye.

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**A/N: I know, it's so short. But in my defense, I've never been to a funeral before, so I didn't know how to go about writing it. But the next chapters should be their normal length. I'm predicting three or four chapters. We're almost there! Please let me know what you thought of this chapter, I hope you liked it, even though it was really short.**


	13. Chapter 12

**A/N: So, this is the last chapter. I apologize that it's been so long. I've been busy and lacked inspiration.**

**Since this is the final chapter, I want to take the time to thank all of you for reading and reviewing. Though this story wasn't that popular, I continued it because the people who did read and review inspired me. To the people who continued to read, I thank you. And for the people who left me reviews telling me how much this story meant to them…truthfully, that is one of the best things you could have ever done for me. This was one of my first stories, and I've seen so much growth in my writing. Out of all my stories, this one definitely contains my heart, meaning that I wrote so much of it based on my own feelings and experiences with death and sickness. And to know that my heart could inspire you people…just thank you. Really. I cannot express what a wonderful gift that is.**

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Chapter 12

_My best friend gave me the best advice_

It was a quiet drive. Though the silence was unusual for the three boys, they found that it helped them focus and reflect on what they wanted to do and say when they arrive. Today's date had always been a day of stillness and meditation, but this year they had reached a tragic milestone.

Ten years. Ten long and crazy years since they lost Logan. So much had transpired since he died that it almost felt like an eternity had passed since he was among the living.

Like the preceding years, they arrived at the cemetery. It was still, the morning sun gently greeting the three boys. Though the sun was out, the boys were freezing. Solemnly, they traversed the grounds, passing by the similar looking grey stones, unmindful of their presence. There was only one grave they sought, and almost without thought their feet led them there.

Vaguely, Carlos heard the sounds of sparrow-song, their dulcet tones a stark contrast to this most somber of days. He didn't want to be there. He didn't want to relive the truth of Logan's death, but he knew he couldn't forget his best friend's life, his earthly or heavenly legacy.

Kendall wrapped his arms around himself as they walked, the cold that now overtook him no longer of this world. Reality's icy grip held his soul in a vice, compelling the blonde to dwell in the pain of his loss. Its purchase on him was relentless, unceasing…making it hard for Kendall to breathe. It was a sensation he experienced year after year, and it was the worst feeling he had ever felt. But Kendall knew that he had to push through it, that he had to be there for Logan.

The three boys came to a sudden stop under a willow tree, its saturnine branches shielding them from the rest of the graveyard. It was decided years ago that they would wait under this tree as each boy made the trek to where Logan rested alone. For a moment, no one moved, the land around them motionless save for the gust of wind that blew through the willow's branches, whispering the long forgotten tales of the deceased.

James looked at his two friends sorrowfully, knowingly. They looked back at him, their eyes wet from the tears that threatened to spill. The tall brunette gathered them into his chest, hugging them fiercely, taking comfort in their presence. Kendall and Carlos held fast onto him, as if he were their only anchor to this world. Though he didn't want to, James untangled himself from the embrace, brushing his tears away with the back of his hand. No one spoke, but a silent agreement was made amongst the three friends that James would be the first to visit Logan this year. Exhaling shakily, James left the comfort of his friends and began the painful journey.

_He said each day's a gift and not a given right_

James sat down next to his best friend's grave, allowing the passage of time to saturate his soul. Even though this is the tenth time he's sat there, the emotions that overwhelmed him still feel just as raw as they did the first time. Tiredly, the brunette rubbed his face with his hands in an attempt to calm his feelings.

"Logan," he whispered, finally in enough control to speak, "It's been ten years since you died. Somehow it feels like it's been both a minute and a thousands years since I last saw you. It's been a crazy ten years, Logan. Almost like a whole lifetime. So much has happened since you left us."

James paused, a small smile forming on his face. "We made it, Logan. Big Time Rush was a success. My dream of fame came true, and I owe it all to you. You were the person who gave me the courage to follow my dream. You believed in me when no one else did, even when I didn't believe in me. Even in your death, you continued to inspire us.

"Don't get me wrong, it was rough at first. When the press got wind of you and your role in our band, they were relentless in their questioning about you. Griffin loved it; he thought our "sob story" as he called it, gave us an advantage with the fans. We were all sickened by it, especially Kendall. Once, he nearly got into an altercation with one of the reporters. It may seem a bit extreme, but when you're forced to relive your best friend's illness and death, it wears on your psyche.

"But we got through it with our sanity in tact, and there was even some positive that came out of it. The upside of talking about you publicly was that many of our fans had gone through similar situations. We had so many fans come up to us and talk about their best friend or sibling who passed away. They would thank us for sharing our story; they said it inspired them to be more courageous and more open about their losses. And in truth, they inspired us, too. Between the two of us, connecting with our fans like that was my favorite thing about being in a boy band."

A cold tear rolled down his face, the liquid making James' face feel even colder in the chilled Minnesota air.

"Big Time Rush split up about five years ago. It was very amicable, and I can assure you Kendall, Carlos, and I are still best friends. We just felt that it was time to move on with your lives. So many good things came out of that decision. Carlos and Kendall moved back here in Minnesota; I remained in Hollywood. I'm now a solo artist, and it's been so much fun discovering my style of music."

He glanced down at his watch, and unfortunately realized how much time had passed. "I better go," James said with a heavy heart, "Kendall and Carlosneed their time with you, too. We owe you so much, Logan. I just wish you were here."

The A-list celebrity stood up, brushing the fallen leaves off of his pants. He took a few steps away from the grave before he stopped in his tracks. Turning around, James stared at the grave, taking in the familiar words etched onto the stone's surface.

"Bye for now, Logan. I love you."

_Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind._

Carlos timidly approached his friend's burial site, like he had done in the past. The Latino wasn't particularly fond of cemeteries; they made him especially sad as the memories of the past tugged on his heart longingly. Slowly, he sank to his knees, somberly facing Logan's tombstone.

"Hi Logie," he greeted quietly, "I hope you're having fun in heaven. It's been really sad not having you here with us. We miss you. I miss you."

Carlos inhaled shakily, tears prickling his soulful brown eyes. No matter how many times he came here, he always cried. "It's been five years since Kendall and I moved back here. Life has been especially fulfilling for me since the move back to the Midwest. I have to thank you for that, Logan. You gave me the courage to achieve everything I have achieved."

Carlos choked out a gruff laugh as a tear escaped down his cheek. "Do you remember how scared I was to jump out of that plane? I really didn't think I could do it. But you helped me remember all the good times I used to have when I was more reckless. You reminded me that without risk, there is no glory…no opportunities.

"That picture of us skydiving has been the screensaver on my computer for the past decade. It's such an ugly picture; we look like chipmunks! But it's my favorite picture because it constantly serves as a reminder for me to never lose my courage again.

"After Big Time Rush broke up, I entered the police academy, just like my old man did. I almost chickened out, even though I always wanted to be like my papi when I was a kid. Ever since he was killed in the line of duty twelve years ago, I lost the desire to become a cop. I really think it was after his death that I started to become more cautious. I became afraid of the unknown. I hadn't entertained the idea of becoming a cop ever since, but after I moved back to Minnesota, I was unhappy with all the jobs I had been working at. I held eight different jobs in a month and a half, ranging from retail to taxi driver. No matter how hard I tried to push through it, I would still quit after just a few days. It was during a particularly awful time period working as Bugs Bunny at the amusement park that the dream of becoming a cop started to rekindle. At first I tried to ignore it because I was too afraid to pursue it. But then I remembered South Dakota, the place where I rediscovered my courage. I thought about what you would've said to me if I told you my fear. That gave me the strength to finally enroll into the police academy.

"I've seen a lot in the past four years as a cop. A lot of good and a lot of bad. I've been shot at so many times, and so far I've been lucky enough to survive. I like to think it's because you're watching over me, like a guardian angel."

He hastily wiped away the tears that were falling freely down his face. "Thank you for giving me my life back. Without you, I'd be nothing."

The young man stood up, his eyes never leaving Logan's grave. "Thank you for being my hero. I'll always love you."

_And try to take the path less traveled by._

Kendall stood in front of Logan's burial site as he read the epigraph repeatedly. It didn't seem real, even ten years later that his best friend was under the stony marker. A shiver went up his spine. Ten years. It was nearly a lifetime for them. So much has occurred in ten years, both outwardly and inwardly. Kendall was a grown man now. He had an apartment, a job, monthly rent, bills. It was overwhelming to be a grown up. But it was incredibly rewarding as well, the blonde mused, as he twirled the golden band on his finger.

"The wedding was a year ago," Kendall began, "You remember that girl from the Palm Woods? Jo? She's now my wife. In ten years, we went from courtship to marriage to expecting our first child. Can you believe that I'm going to be a father soon? It's almost hard to believe that everything in my life has completely changed since you died.

"I wish you could've been there, Logan. You were supposed to be the best man, standing right beside me as I took the plunge. You were supposed to be the one to give a toast at the reception. You were supposed to—"

Kendall paused as he attempted to refrain from crying. "We had so many plans about our lives growing up. I was going to be a professional hockey player, you a doctor. We were going to be the godfather of each other's firstborn child. But we never got a chance to live out those plans. I never became a professional hockey player. I didn't become a professional hockey player because I didn't have that drive anymore. I love the game, but the pressure of being a professional athlete in the public eye just didn't appeal to me. I already had enough media attention thanks to Big Time Rush. But don't think I'm not happy, because I am. Though I'm not playing hockey, I'm teaching it to our old peewee team. I love teaching the kids how to play the game. Seeing the sparkle in their eyes when they score their first goal is one of the most amazing things ever, and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, not even the Stanley Cup. Those kids teach me everyday about the mystery and wonderment of life. In a way, they saved me. I had lost so much when you died. I wasn't myself anymore, and it took years for me to reclaim my identity."

A small gust of wind blew, causing Kendall's bangs to dance on top of his forehead. But he didn't notice it, for he was too engrossed in his own pain.

"It just sucks, Logan. This wasn't supposed to happen. We were so young; sickness and death should've been the last things on our minds. I often find myself thinking how different life would be if you were still here. You were meant for great things, and it just kills me that you never got to live out your potential."

The tears Kendall had stubbornly trying to control began to cascade down his face, the watery trail ice cold against his face.

"I miss you. We all do. Even after ten years, we still feel emptiness in our lives. But I want you to know that we're okay. It was extremely difficult at first, and while it still is difficult, we're coping. We constantly feel your presence around us, and I think that's what has kept us from going completely insane."

Kendall looked over his shoulder, feeling two pairs of eyes on him. "I should probably head back now," he breathed, "But we'll back soon. No matter how busy our lives become, we will always come back and see you."

The blonde turned and began to walk back to the willow tree, but then paused. Turning around, he looked at the grave one more time. "You're the first person I told about Jo's pregnancy. We have a bet going on about the gender of the baby. She thinks it's a girl, and I think it's a boy. And whoever guesses right gets to name the baby. If it's a boy, I was thinking Hortence for his name. What do you think?"

For the first time since arriving at the graveyard, Kendall chuckled. "I'm just kidding. I could never do that to my child. But if it really is a boy, he'll be named Logan, after his godfather. So, as his godfather, I ask that you keep him safe during the pregnancy and watch over him as he grows up. If he can grow up to be half the man that you were, I will be a proud father."

"I'll bring him to visit you once he's old enough, I promise. So until then, Logan."

_That first step you take is the longest stride_

The three friends slowly walked back to the car, each still lost in his own thoughts. As soon as they were all seated and buckled, Kendall turned the car on and drove. The silence continued on as they traveled back to Kendall's apartment, but none of the boys minded much. But after twenty minutes, Carlos disrupted the stillness.

"It's already been ten years," he murmured from the backseat.

James turned his body awkwardly in the front passenger seat to face his shorter friend, giving him a sympathetic look. "So much as happened in ten years," he responded, continuing the Latino's thought.

Kendall's eyes flickered toward the rearview mirror, glancing at Carlos. "He should be here with us."

"He is," Carlos stated firmly, "His spirit is always with us."

James nodded, "He's definitely had our backs over these past ten years. I definitely wouldn't be where I am today were it not for him."

"Jo's pregnant," Kendall said suddenly, "She's about three months along."

"Dude, congratulations," the young cop exclaimed, "That's great news."

"Do you have any names picked out yet?" James inquired.

"Well, if it's a girl, Jo wants to name it Allison. If it's a boy, I want to name him Logan."

"Wait, that's not fair!" Carlos declared, "I wanted to name _my _son Logan."

"Umm, Carlitos?" James said, "You have to be dating someone to have a child." Carlos stuck his tongue out at the smug A-list celebrity.

"Besides," Kendall added, "If you ever do have a son, you could always name him Hortence."

"Ugh, no way! Remember how much fun we made of Logan for that? I would never do that to my kid!" Carlos laughed.

"You could always name your kid Mitchell," James offered, "It makes a good first name, too."

Carlos smiled brightly, "That's a great idea! Thanks!"

"What are you going to name your son, James?" Kendall asked, "You know, if you ever settle down and get married."

James snorted. "Like _that_ will ever happen. But if for some crazy reason I do, my son will be named James Jr., of course!"

The three men laughed. "Leave it to James to be so self-centered that he wants to name his kid after himself!" Carlos said. Kendall rolled his eyes.

"No kidding."

"Hey! I resent that," James shot back, "James is a great name, and the fact that it is my name is merely a coincidence."

"Whatever." Kendall responded playfully.

"So, what do you think of James as a middle name for your kid, Kendall?"

"James!"

"What?"

The three men continued to laugh as the drove along, talking about their plans for the future and reminiscing about Logan. Even though today, the anniversary of Logan's death, is the hardest day of the year for them, it's also one of the best days because they have a chance to reflect and fondly remember their best friend.

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**A/N: I hope this is a satisfactory ending. I apologize if my writing is off, I've been working on this chapter at different times, so if it seems disconjointed, that's why. **

**I would also like to say that this will probably be my last update. School is way too chaotic, and I don't have time for anything else. I am definitely discontinuing my other multi-chapter stories. I may post one-shots if I am inspired. But don't expect to hear from me for a while, if not ever. **

**I have two one-shots based on this story, if you would like to read them. "Once Upon a December" is about Kendall and Logan, after Logan's parents died, and "Broken" is about Carlos and Logan, after Carlos' father died.**

**Thanks again from the bottom of my heart. I'm so glad you guys stuck with me and continued to support me. I love you all! And please remember to cherish each day, no matter how much life sucks, because we never know when it'll be taken from us. Peace and Love to all.**


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